The Itchy Moustache

Finally...the time has come. To reveal to the world, the greatest enlightened being in this world. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the greatest one, the and only ' THE ITCHY MOUSTACHE'


Let me brief you about some of the facts that goes on with the itchy moustache -

It has survived doomsday's,generations, the great winters, wars, diseases travelling through time to reach today's time. Heck, when God was born the first thing he created in a week was the itchy moustache. Then came the itchy moustache's evil twin sister the fugly long beard donned by only the dubious cult like terrorists, babas, rakhi sawant etc etc. Even God eradicated the fugly long beard and has only kept a moustache (See:Rajnikanth).

Now I had a chance, a chance of a lifetime to meet the great 'Itchy Moustache' itself. As soon as I arrived admist the Himalayas, I was guided by Lord Shiva to a cave above his own. The cave was a duplex and as soon I entered inside it I taken aback, the intricate blend of the past and the present was visible in every aspect. I mean the cave had paintings of the great homo erectus to the 'Real Mona Lisa' and even MF Hussains rendition of a nude goddess (a popular bollywood female actor/dancer with an acquired American accent).  

Vintage and neo technologies blended in as I was guided to it's main 'hall'. I was ushered to the side, as an event was going to start and the Itchy Moustache was already present before all the guests arrived, in all it's splendour and glow waiting for the barricade of question and answer. I was going to be part of the greatest cult show ever running from time immemorial!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I opened my rack sack for a notepad, I looked around and there was the following list of people ready to jot down notes with me. - The Pope, George W Bush Jr, Osama Bin Laden, Sri Sri Ravishankara, Baba Ramdev, Shashi Tharoor Mr and Mrs, Barack Obama, Some Chinese people, Some Russian spy like people,Tom Cruise, Mr.Apple Jobs, Mr.Assange, A guy in a military dress abusing in Espana and smoking a cuban, Some black people and some more Chinese people.

The guests arrived all at once and were masked with hoods and hideous masks and they had doctored their voice to hide their identities. Their rumblings lit up the hall, before the itchy moustache opened its eyes and suddenly there was an eerie silence.


It spoke " Now I know all of you have come from far far away, hearts filled with questions and uncertainties that only I and I alone can answer."


Everybody agreed in unison.

It went on "Old customers, new customers you should know you've paid a truck load of cash for this and I dont have any time so I want to get over with it as quickly as my er***** goes down when I see today's plastic women. Newbies you must ask me not one but a series of multiple questions in a single breath to get my answer. The question can be as stupid as Albert Einstein or as smart as Lindsay Lohan's fans I dont care, and if you're question is not answered there is always a next time and 10 million USD in cash, which by the way have to be put into the sacks that my disciples are bringing to you as I speak".

Murmurs and anxiety gripped the hall as the first guest rose up and went towards the itchy moustache.

I did not understand who the guest was before it shouted loudly, "Chetan Bhagat, you want me to give you another idea. Anyways, the money you earn comes back here so whats the point?"

Chetan replied " Sir,umm My Lord its actually that I have a new idea for a book which is going to be made into a movie later so I wanted your blessings and suggestions. I was thinking it should be called 2 GB of life and I want to get credit and moolah for it when it is a made in to a feature film, the previous incidents with 3 idiots shouldn't be repeated."

It answered "That's an easy one to start with. You fool, dont call it 2 GB of life, s but I think call it 32 GB to make it a longer book and in turn a longer movie ; and why not first make it a movie and then write a book? Huh!!"]

Quickly, the second guest arrived. This one was floating in mid-air, almost seeming like a ghost. In fact it was. It was the spirit of Michael Jackson.

MJ spoke softly, "My Lord, despite dying I am not happy in heaven and I want a transfer to hell, where I wanted to be re-united with one of my kiddie boyfriends."

"Micheal, the King of Pop I have always given you a path of light and I shall not disappoint thou this time too. I will personally talk to Maculay Culkin (Child actor of Home alone) in killing himself and you can re-unite in Satan's own bed. The only trick of getting you there as Macualy will automatically be there..Well before any release of any of your biographies, best of albums, auctioning your home furnishings etc shalt earn your post humous money by looting poor dumb people, who spend their hard earned savings on your memorabilia despite owning  gazillions of your stuff. Fair enough sin to send ya to hell, innit?

Hugh Hefner, media mogul and owner of the famous Playboy stood up and mumbled "My lord, I have been pleasured by everything and everything that a man treasures in his imagination. I have seen and done everything to everyone and my life has become mundane, nothing and nothing can reignite the fire that I had when I was a 69 year old"

It smirked " Here is an unrated DVD of Mallika Sherawat's blockbuster snake porn movie - Hissssss! please watch it in the confines of your mansion and never thank me"

In a cluster, the cast of CSI, James Bond, Sherlock Homes & Watson, Batman and Robin, top officials of the FBI and CIA protested in despair " My Lord this is criminal injustice what thou have done. You have made all of us look useless and now we are jobless even"

I was perplexed at first, did not fathom why the greatest detectives in the world had joined hands in protest.???!!!!

The Itchy moustache in all it's glory calmly replied "Look at all of you, clean shaved and shining in the dark, have some shame before you call yourself detectives. ACP Prathyuman prayed and I cloned myself and settled in permanently above his lips. He has the power of the itchy moustache. And you can do nothing about it. Hence forth, every case, every murder, every investigation shall be solved by the 1 and only " C---I---D"

There was silence.

The Lord then basked in glory and said " I have resurrected careers of one and many. I have helped people on the brink of failure to rise up like a phoenix and reclaim their lives. You remember Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys fame right? He came in crying asking for help. Today he is better known as "Lady Gaga". Bruce Lee, had seen and committed so much violence, his soul was torn apart and sought solace. Today he is known as the " Dalai Lama".

" I conclude this session, as I am astounded by the type of people and their absurd questions. Each time, it gets worse than the previous time. I am thinking of taking a long duly deserved vacation so that I can absorb the current happenings and come back less frustrated."

Everybody made that noise, akin to that sound when the world found that Achint Kaur aka Mandira was the real Mandira ie Mandira Bedi.

The room was lit with light as bright as on the sun's core, and there stood Rajnikanth himself, in all his balding glory as the itchy moustache descended from its abode and settled on his arid area to make it complete and look like this -

My Randomness

This post is gory, the state of my mind is slightly unbalanced and there is no better place to plate my random thoughts and hence the title of the post. . .

Nature dances to the flurry of winds, its an onslaught, the cool gusty breeze finds a way to your head and smashes it hard,

As I commence the sacred ritual of burning the grass, releasing the spirit as addictive as an obsession leaving the soul charred.

The voices in my head don’t make any sense as they fade out, an unvoiced static envelopes the brain and I begin to hear the sound of silence,

Bliss, a haven where the mind and the soul unite; you open your arms and take flight, unperturbed even by a single feeling of hatred and petulance.

I walk into the woods, a path which leads to a funeral. And there lay my best friend, taking his own life, forgetting that I was always there to lend a hand,

I tried to stop him, but yet he went away, evanescing into thin air that just blew to right into my head as I stood there hapless in an unknown land.

She was standing there, below the waterfall like a queen vanquished from her kingdom, gracefully letting the force of the stream uplift her to spirituality,

I was left staring speechless at her pure beauty, gasping for her breath as she came close and whispered that we would be together till eternity.

But there came her letter of recall, as she boarded the carriage back to her home, she never looked back not even once, neither do the tears come out not even once,

Now the burning rage engulfs my system as I run, after slaying her with my axe leaving behind a trail of blood, guilt shouting out to the conscience.

I feel better now, the open lands embracing me into their laps, as I collapse on the ground, demanding more, I want to go higher,

The hazy, misty maze is my reality and I have accepted to live in this mysterious world, concealed from mankind.

It’s a dungeon and I am imprisoned in it for my sins, wanting to get out but I’m on the threshold of giving in and surrendering,

A light guides me out my misery and onto a amphitheatre without any audience, the subtle strings of the violin drenched in sadness,

The music so enchanting I am bestowed in a sea of tranquility, with each moment feeling like it’s the point of eternity, Gods come down to mortality and bless.

I open my eyes, and I see war, killings and unrest. This music can bridge borders, and create peace I yell at the top of my voice,

I drift into another world, children in luxury sit oblivious in glee while a mother tries to pacify her new born on the street, laced in poverty built on a world of lies.

Pondering on ideologies and perplexities, I dawn back slowly; I feel like the control is slowly being lost, I need more to go back; the closure is too abrupt,

I am losing those images, those moments, the vision; someone’s snatched me from the sky, just as I was flying high, I fall with a thud a wake up.

The images and visions were not for the faint hearted, as I tried to recollect, but alas in vain, it was like a painting that lacked finesse,

I tried to perceive, tried to argue and analyse but the only word, the only definition which flashed across was MY RANDOMNESS…..

Bollywood Snippets feat Dabanggg!!! \m/

Yello everybody. I re-return to blogging by writing satire about one of my favourite aspects of being a Mumbaikar and a proud Indian. BOLLYWOOD.

I have lived,breathed, eaten Bollywood since my naam-karan took place. So here's my tribute cutting long story short,hope you bollywood fanatics like it.

Lets start with the lastest smash hit that is currently sweeping everyone of their feet. DABANGGG Ladies and Gents 'the DABANGG'

• Firstly, Salman Khan sucks as a cop trying to figure out the heinous crime by Sonu Sood and co. I mean it took him 2.30 hrs to complete his job. If it were the brave and very successful team of CID they would have wrapped it up in 45 mins excluding ads and commercials.
• India is getting its first and only Formula 1 track in the next calender year. But the organisers are miffed as in where the location of the track would be. But after watching Dabang, they have decided to use the length and breadth of Sonakshi Sinha's forehead to create a 5.6 km race track.
• Salman Khan is detected with an acute illness. He is suffering from boils, two mammoth ones located on his left and right armpit respectively. Which is why he keeps his hands at 2.5 kms equidistant from his body while doing the walk and talking the talk. Luckily, doctors have found the cure too. The regular use of Zandu Balm!!
• Sonu Sood is much appreciated for his muscles and other muscles protruding out from those muscles and a crown of muscles that crowns the layer. Anyways when asked what was his secret He replied, that it was due to all the hard work he had to do with a certain Ms.Neha Dhupia in Sheesha. Apparently they have filmed 6 sequels of Sheesha which will be out on DVD soon due to his sudden stardom. Mothers having teenagers beware!
• Arbaaz Khan did his role of his lifetime. All he had to do, was play himself in real life ie a younger brother sucking it up to his elder bro. Apparently, Dabang 2 could feature Sohail Khan so that the series maintains continuity.
• Munni Badnam Hui to be inculcated in fourth standard hindi text books and the dance sequence is added as a new genre of classical Indian dances. Classes shall be conducted by the Arora sisters.
• Coming to the end of this saga, Rajnikanth superstar Rajni down south, hero of Tamil Nad is planning to file a lawsuit against the makers of Dabang. It violated his original patented act, which cannot be copied for any amount of sum of cash. The act went like ' Mindless movie without script,screenplay,direction only focussing on the hero of the movie me Rajni. There will be songs, lots of them, romance with any girl who wants to climb the ladder, supernatural sfx action where the bad guys confuse the mighty Rajni but are shred to pieces in the climax. The styles and impersonations can only be done by me and only me Rajni the great.'
• KJO plans to re-make We are Family using this Khan khaandaan's story as the main backdrop, Aamir Khan plans to reclaim top spot by making a prequel to Ghajini and SRK well errr I dont know still believes that he is the no.1 Khan at the moment.

In other news, we rumble across other Bollywood bites that have managed to find their way into the limylight....


The next three months sees an approx of 15 films due for release. Pakistani singer Rahat Fateh Ali Khan is singing in every movie totaling to 16 and a half songs.

Rakesh Roshan regrets making Kites with Hrithik Roshan. In hindsight he says he would have made the movie with Emraan Hashmi would have bought him success and acclaim.

Mallika Sherawat stars in the new movie called Hisssss! The story line is leaked. Well generally naagins are supposed to be hot voluptuous babes. She wasnt and hence thrown out from the cult by Sridevi and Aruna Irani. The movie is based on her revenge and how she does plastic surgery to enhance her looks and get back at them. A bit like Sex in the City. Snake ishtyle.

Mrs. Rahul Mahajan has fallen down to no.2 in the most unfortunate women in the world to get married to a wanker. The no.1 spot is already claimed by the future Mrs. Vivek Oberoi.

Abhishek Bachchan played a mute aka dumb guy in an ad. This is the Tusshar Kapoor matra of gaining instant success and being recognised as a talented actor.


Priyanka Chopra to rename Khatron Ke Khiladi as the biggest losers. Since it got a big bunch of em, the show will be re-packaged and Koena Mitra shall be the new face.


This brings us to the end of this edition. For all those who want to bang their heads somewhere or shoot themselves please free to do so. And all those who have pretended to read this and praise me afterwards, dont worry I have no way to find out. Yes Bollywood is made lousy on this particular blog. Everytime!!!


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THOU (YOU)

 I was thinking of a concept yet none come to my mind. Then I thought why not one of the most endearing facets of my life layered with loads of sarcasm and no resemblance of real life events and people participating on those events whatsoever. The result was quite simply delicious :P

Please leave behind your valuable comments
(PS - No questions)


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I leave thou behind in tears, as you tremble spirally downwards and wallow in the darkness that I set you upon,
The fading sound of your voice brings me happiness, a sudden rush of joy and sadness at the loss of my dearest pawn.
Our paths would never cross again, and I would turn the world around to prevent it, I am exhausted at your mere name running in my head,
With your persistent rumblings about true love and eternity, you would think it to be true but believe me never a single tear I have shed.
See the big picture, you were never worth it, the show you put on was never you, the real you is a scared soul desperate to seek salvation,
And even if you thought, I shunned you every time, expecting me to stoop so low I could see hell as the next station.
I know I am selfish, so be it. Ive been through enough to convince me of my ways and rigid as a stone I stand ready to battle away,
Your promises are false as the love I show towards my loved ones, you cannot better the rhythm that I already makes me sway.
I dont have an ego, nor arrogance.those are your babies, you have both thrusting from your persona,
Why do you hold them is baffling as clearly you are a loser,a non achiever, dreaming that you've attained nirvana.

I think you need to look at yourself  hard and analyse your problem, probably not use a mirror, the ugliness will even shatter the glass to a million pieces,
I am sure you will find yourself someone deplorable, who matches you but I hope you dont in this life, as you deserve to die alone and lonesome till your punishment ceases.
I have found love and I swear by it, your ways and methods are an illusion, please take your circus to the next town as you are only fooling no one,
Yes he is the one, a real soul who believes in everything I believe in. It took some time but once he realised, we are uniting, please take this as an intentional pun
What? The promises, yeah I am kinda a good liar. You were just a filler honey. Sorry gotta go, The wings of freedom once again are awaiting me,
Memories? I was bored, heartbroken. You just come along, you know like a stray animal you play with, I dont know.! They were all fake, keep them in your safe and throw away the key.

The doors of the promised land has reopened as I am erasing you off my memories, please try to forget me too, I know people as fascinating as me are very few.
AND IF YOU THOUGHT ALL THIS TIME I WAS WRITING ABOUT ME YOU WERE WRONG..I WAS WRITING ABOUT THOU.

SAKI N aka HELL

They say a picture paints a thousand words. Purists they are and hence I beg to differ. I am honestly not that bad with the canvas and a sword laid wrapped around my creative whip but I would rather write about this than paint a picture.The stage is Saki Naka located in Andheri(East), a suburb in Mumbai,India. The place that I frequently visited in the distant era of the past, never thought I would strive here for my bread and butter(and other luxuries). The ironical part here is the commute. Now my painting begins.

Laden with dust, small granules and micro macro stones that take flight and try to penetrate into your lungs, the journey is painful on foot or even worse if enclosed in an autoclave like clay oven - a car without an a/c, a rickshaw or a bike. Mine was well in the second one, the humble auto. The sun was blazing down the hot earth, as you can see the earth throwing up fumes, temperatures around 45 degree c. Sweating profusely,worse if you are dressed like me nowadays(formal clothing and a tie). The dusty tornado blows across, the traffic aligned like stars in a constellation stationary. The 10 min distance takes you about 30 min. There is no respite at this stage. The roads are the worst,considering the pressure it is put on due to the heavy traffic. And yeah, the wonderful brainchild of the road development authorities, the inter locking bricks which become disjoint when a single BEST bus passes on it. Just when it seems that the painting is about a standard stock Mumbai roadway, it takes a twist. See all roads in Mumbai are built subject to potholes,open man holes and extensive greying despite being only 2 days old. This road ie the Andheri Kurla road, has the metro yes the elevated rail! cradled right in the centre. The traffic multiplies million fold, the people are walking on the roads,right next to the traffic and the road takes the brunt of heavy drilling by advanced machinery. Damn it I wish I could draw. The people oh sorry! The amount of commercial offices are maximum on this stretch. The buses plying are immense, and since the airport is a stones throw away there are trucks and yes more cars,cops, people, animals and more people. The fateful day, when I decided to blog about this subject a pipeline burst and a sewage system malfunctioned leaving behind a pool for dangerous microbes lying on the road. The filthy water being splashed around, while the cops masked like astronauts try to police the traffic.
The culmination of the Andheri Kurla road is the Saki Naka junction a major link to the suburb,central zone and the city.

Thats where I and a million people travel to every day and curse about the same every second of every day.

SUMMARY IN BRIEF -

Just imagine with all the flames, and the above mentioned landscape, satan's residence. The corporate offices housed here is no symbol for humanity or grace. People are slaves to their masters at their respective work abodes. Only a select are destined to come to Saki Naka every week, the chosen ones are welcomed by the mass array of similarities which are observed in the mythical land known as 'HELL' .

SAKI N AKA HELL

You and I

I honestly cannot fathom why I wrote this or in what context. Just felt like talking about balance.Like my star sign the scales,there's always the good and evil ie the two sides. And yet they some how manage to co exist. With either one of them being in excess causing disharmony. Strange is the middle name of life.(First name:My) ;)
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As you emerge  from your den, head high,locks dancing to the tune of the jungle breeze,

I bury myself in my burrow, overwhelmed with sorrow, seeking solace from this mundane tease.

You smell blood, and smirk. Awaiting to prowl out and prey, bringing home glory at the end of the day,

I bask in shame, buoyant to be still breathing. Contemplating on my failures, inabilities to conquer the fray.

You are now flying above the mere mortals, thrown into the flight so naïve, but to learn autonomy,

I waited along with ravens of my kind, hoping to crow at the sight of death, with courage so phony.

You knelt down, and  rode the storm to aid the wounded hearts, to erase their amassed aches,

I shied away, bloated with ego; riddled with fear to help, changing my color, the selfishness dwelling within awakes.

You never abandon your herd,and adopt with your golden heart that bleeds of giving love,devoid of expectations,
I close all the doors, with my heart bleeding black,hunting the gullible;attach as a parasite and after that I break all liaisons.

You are all the beautiful creations in this dogmatic world, the sound of music inspiring justice,
I am the hiss of envy, shrouded in a hint of hope, yet nothing to offer,trying to buy bliss.

You are the pariah, self ostracized from the worldly ways, carving a niche of your own persona, trying to live and not just exist,
I run circles, unsuccessfully.Striving for extravaganza in mediocrity;satisfying myself with humane needs,feeding the soul enough to persist

You are an angel without the wings; oblivious to the naked eye that perceives by itself prejudiced.
I am the decoy,manifesting, pleasing the seldom tinted eyes, the darkness in me goes unnoticed.

You are everything I want to be,

You are everything I cannot be.

You are everything somehow I shouldn't be.

Why?

Looking around I see sacrifices made by men with valor as they lie down dead
A father, a son, a brother, a friend, sole winner of the entire family’s bread
The smell still fresh in the air like in a human grocery store selling flesh and blood
Countless dying for a cause so reckless that even the gods ashamed bury their faces in mud
I see a widow, an orphan with no tears in their eyes as they have done in to the grief
Their future bleak they ask Allah why they have to suffer why we get swept away by the breeze
They just keep on asking him why, where the lords shine and dine in their triumph and success
For their own political might and avarice their skeletons anonymous and secure in the boxes
The ones caught in the nexus are us, we the people who meaninglessly put our lives online
Some brainwashed, some for pride give away their souls as a dakshina in the name of the sacred shrine
I look further, dust and rubble around me, the sun glaring down where houses stood before
They weren’t villas but they were homes for families filled with love which you can’t find in this world anymore
Playgrounds made in to graveyards, roads into battlefields the only sound I can hear of the paramedical teams
Im not scared anymore of the sounds of explosions or of helpless people’s screams
Im used to blood shed it happens everyday but I ask why or whom is this giving satanic pleasure
Is it the devil who plays or are we getting the fruits we deserve, why take away our happiness that we treasure
I have never ridden a bike; played on lawns, I was born in the world of hatred fear
Running away from death finding solace as soon as possible gives out the victory cheer
I am not oblivious anymore I demand answers for all this mayhem, why god why
But all I get is a cold shoulder and orders to sit in that dark corner and cry
We are not refugees this is our home land our place of birth, this is my country
I can’t bear to see houses burnt to dust stop this war this is pure infiltry
The lessons we learn from school is not education but fear of arms and ammunition
Yet no one comes forward in a force so strong to stop this human death fair of attrition
We have no proper food forget about the clothes and place to save our heads
Ive been living alone since the day I saw them blown up into shreds
I cried and cried all night and went hungry for days together
But I pray that that all this ends a hope which will dampen never
The hoot of the aero plane sends a rush as they send out packets of food
I walk with a single leg, crippled but I will fight for me and my country as a true hero should

So long(Goodbye my lover)

As I lay down the rose , why did this happen to me no one knows,
I'm helpless , this is the path that He has chosen.I've accepted it , feet trembling , heart frozen.A stream of sweat flows ,
I just ca'nt bear the agony.Nothing lasts forever not even the immortal Mozart's symphony.
I spoke to her eyes , she made my world & before I knew it I was into her,
Months & years passed , she made my day everyday,Like a king she would nurture,
Ca'nt believe she lay down me , now the love we shared slowly started the process of necrosis,& again before I knew it she was going to another world , leaving me all alone,
And now I'm engraving my heart out on her stone.
The last time I looked into her eyes, I did not cry,not a single tear,
Thats what she said , that was good enough for the rest of my life here
Our love is immortal , where ever we might be nothing can come in our way,
Those long walks in the dusk , those beautiful words,Nothing was like her warmth at the end of the day,
I will miss her , but I'll live as if it were yesterday,
Her spirit free in space , another minor change in our relationship carefuly moulded with clay,
There wo'nt be a single second I wo'nt think of her as I walk back,
The sun down , night beckons , as she lay down in her bed forever,the demons in my head attack
I will fight them for her , so long my soulmate, my lover,I will love you always , be it in this world or another

Forgiveness:Avenging the injustice

I forgive you for letting go and losing contact gradually as we grew older,
My first friend, my younger brother, the first one to pat on my shoulder.
I forgive you for leaving me alone amidst the sea of souls,
And keep me waiting, not a single tear did I weep, heroes are made in these moulds.
I forgive you for playing those games and forgetting about it the next day,
I forgive you'll for the change I didnt understand and when we moved away.
I forgive you'll who tried to teach me that academics is what maketh a living; live by the books,
 And money is top priority, you'll were just myopic and following the rules, fearing you'll were crooks.
I forgive you for breaking my hand, as it made made me stronger than before,
I could convert my passion into an obsession and still enjoy it with the same furore.
I forgive you for taking away my childhood sweetheart, I couldnt be compatible ever,
I forgive you for taking my childhood hero, I dont think so He could see me today,never.
I forgive you'll for making me gullible and taking advantage I didnt know you'll were born miserable,
I forgive you for doing what you did,we were young and I too was at fault,
I forgive you'll who didnt know me, then for me it was a sudden jolt.
I forgive you'll for breaking my heart a thousand times and shattering it everytime it heals,
You'll were just ordinary,my lack of vision, live happily, I will find out soon how love feels.
I forgive you'll for bringing me into this world, you'll were just mere mortals who shall never see this side,
I forgive you all, as I enter this new vengeance, a feeling more powerful than quake or a humongous tide.
The power, I feel like GOD.

It is coming in less than 2 months.

Romeo and Juliet: Adulterated and Butchered

NOTE: THE BELOW CONTENT IS STRICTLY FOR ADULTS AND READERS MUST BE ABOVE 18.EVEN IF THE YOUNGSTERS UNDERSTAND THE STUFF PLEASE DONT TELL ANYONE..


All the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players:
they have their exits and their entrances;
and one man in his time plays many parts..."


 The great Shakespeare in "As you like it'.

Well I'm no playwright nor no dramatist and heck my knowledge in literature is as small as Prathibha Patil's brain.But in a matter of 30 minutes I am writing another piece,another work of disgusting art and it has to be unfortunately a musical, a romantic journey.

This is my version of Romeo and Juliet, for never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and Romeo.

The characters in my play are:

Himesh Reshammiya as Romeo
Rakhi Sawant as Rosaline, the girl who Romeo loves before he meets Juliet(He shall be seen in the play)
Anu Malik is Count Paris,the guy who wants to marry a woman desperately.
 Justin Timberlake is Tybalt and Nick Carter is Mercutio
Mallika Sherawat stars as Juliet herself while Friar Lawrence is played by Michael Jackson.
The messenger is a fat guy from any african american hip hop group.


Scene 1( This was taken in one take,underlining the strength of the star cast)
Oh but its not a play. Its a script. But still read on.

The script is set in Dharavi,Mumbai.

There is a huge fight, a war even between the two royal families ie the Reshammiyas and the Sherawats. Anu Malik who is the Count err ruler whatever comes and starts singing 'Talli tu Talli'. Everyone is baffled due to the high decibels and they freeze. Anu delighted by his quick thinking brings an end to the war by giving away free CD's to the Reshammiyas and Sherawats of the album: 'The Best Original Compositions of Maestro Anu Malik.' In exchange He asks Daddy Sherawat for his daughter Mallika's hand(and er the rest of her body too). Daddy Sherawat agress tentatively thinking whether two different species are sexually compatible biotechnology and the advances in science. Sigh.!!!

Meanwhile, at the house of Tera Surrooooor, Himesh is drinking gutter water mixed with desi daru to combat his depression. He has just lost the love of his life Rakhi Sawant. Rakhi has become a woman and marrying Bobby Darling leaving Himesh heart broken. He is singing uncontrollably as his cousin Nick Carter finds a solution.
He advises Himesh to go to this Sex Exhibition happening in Dharavi so that he becomes less desperate.

Himesh goes to the Sex Expo. What does he see? A huge party,the cast of Slum Dog are dancing  away to glory. Pamela Anderson is being worshipped, Moon Moon Sen walks in with daughter Riya. Asmit Patel maintains his distance. Everyone from the porn industry are there.From Jenna Jameson to Shakeela.

Rakhi Sawant is also there but Himesh fails to recognise her in the new avatar. Mallika also present is handling the smooch booth. Himesh sees the smooch booth and goes towards it. They meet!!!!!!
Himesh's eyes and Mallika's boobs meet and there is love!!!!! Dream sequence.

Bollywood Cliche Running around the trees song.

The dream finishes on a parapet of a building leading to the most famous parapet scene in this play. Himesh and Mallika on the parapet,covered in a black satin sheet, with the whole of Dharavi below them.Aaah!
Next day they head to a religious place to erase the sin that happened last night and Micheal Jackson who is the priest and who wants the warring Reshammiyas and Sherawats to bring cease fire believes that only if they make a sex tape will the families unite,as the families to save thier embarrassment from the Dharavi peers will  have to get the two married. And then they get married. And get taped.And its on youtube.


Anyways there is a war of the boy bands and stuff like that Nick Carter and Justin are both killed. One of them(who cares) is killed by Himesh and blah blah yawn yawn yawn Count Anu Malik wants Himesh out of Dharavi and never to return as he has watched the sex tape and wants one of his own with Mallika.

Mallika rushes to Michael Jackson and pleads for help. MJ advises her to go for cosmetic surgery which will keep in her in a coma for 24 hours. She can have every enhancement of her bodily parts.
Himesh finds out on Twitter that Mallika is dead and gets really pissed off.

He meets Count Anu on MSN(windows live messnger now) and decides to have a last man standing dance-off like competition called Sing-off. The two will sing, the last man standing wins. Simple.

Oh in the meanwhile MJ sends a big fat rapper to give Himesh the message that Mallika is not dead,but she is pretending to be and MJ wont do anything to her as along as he gets first option on their offsprings. The rapper on the way finds Eminem and 5O cent who is a white now and there is a battle in progression. Due to this there would be a delay in relaying the message and hence the rapper who is miraculously smart and tech savvy sends a voice recording to Himesh on the Blackberry Instant Messenger.

Himesh and Anu are belting their hits one by one but after Himesh's mann ke radio,bejna do zara.fultoo attitude Anu falls down to the ground and accepts defeat.

The rappers ping is received and it went something like.

"Yo Yo Yo motherfucker,cocksucker son of a byach,
I saw some white trash and got the fucking itch.
I wont be coming in there time,your plastic girl is doing just fine.
Those big boobs are going to be yours; hold on my mayne dont kill thyself,  its just a matter of time"   

Himesh fails to understand this language called American. He only knows English as a foreign language.
Did I miss the scene where Himesh buys 20 cartons of  Sambhaji Beedi special edition smokes on the way to kill himself? Mucchhadwala's Duty free shop is located in Dharavi FYI.
 Himesh smokes only 3 ciggies and dies. Mallika sees Himesh dead and sobs uncontrollably. She just wasted so much money on those enhancements. She has sex with Himesh one last time before she kills herself by smoking the remaining beedis in the pack.( The 19 cartons were donated to charity).
The Reshammiyas and Sherawats unite after this family tragedy and begin shooting for Slum Dog Millionaire:2
Count Anu replaces AR Rahman as the music director for the sequel.


THE END.

^{I apologise for the lack of songs in this musical despite the presence of so many distinguished music artists.
This shall be uploaded on facebook very soon.
Cheers from all of us here at my studios.}

7 DEADLY SINS(Pum Pum Pum)

The rude facts of life is my dig on life as I know it.

Curtains down. Lights dim. Music starts(Tis a musical by the way). There are rickshaws. Himesh is one of the vocalists. The other one is a woman from a famous American girl band called Ms. Just-in-a Timberlake.
Dancers appear on stage,all corners are blitzed. Heading the troop is Rakhi Sawant dressed up as female.

Himesh starts:

Pum Pum pum pum pum x5 Ooooooo Welcome to this world, every boy and every girl,
This earth revolves round the sun,but on sex and money it will always twirl. Ooooo
Everyone in this world is hungry,for food and money.(Innit Honey?) Ooooo
I can kill you for a hefty sum, change my loyalties just for fun
Scum is my name,will do anything to get to fame.Even if I have to look lame,there aint no thing called shame :P(Thats me Rakhi Sawant says)
Corruption is in my blood,will pretend to be anyone just to be loved.
Its the battle of the fittest, I would do anything to leap ahead,
Its a rat race,I run whilst you chase. Jealousy is what I breathe,
Wants are never ending, I shall always remain envious from my head to my feet.
If you are successful why not me, is there a short cut why cant I see?
I want to make mountains of money, and be extravagant and show everyone,
How successful Ive become, and won the rat race I'm number one. pum pum Ooooooooo

( A religious dork interferes)

Good girls are always with the crappiest guys,nymphomaniac women are with the good men,
Its the law of nature mate,there has to be a balance between the opposites no. Amen!


Pum pum pum pum
Pum pum pum pum  X5

Just-in-a now begins crying a river:

Love comes in the end, I feel the lust at first,
And if I dont like him/her I find someone else to quench my thirst
I make friends whom I need,to beef up my social contacts list,
When I get in to a rumble, there shall always be a helping fist.
Ill use the innocent to get my work done, and when its over with I shall sing

Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum

change

Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum


I want to have a strech limo and a sports car in my garage,
A million bathrooms and 50 servants and 10 dogs who act my age.
What about an affair with my secretary? my wife is committing the same purgatory,
Im rich, in my own world dont give fuck everyone else who isnt me is poor,
And even if the world ends today, Ill be in a space ship for sure where I shall sing


Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum

Look Uranus!!!
Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum

I close this song by narrating about the 7 deadly sins,

(Cleans smoke filled damaged potentially carcinogenic throat)

If there was no lust, there would be no love stories,
If there was no gluttony, there would be no restaurants,
If there would be no greed(the right kind), there would be no ambition,no drive to succeed.
If there was no sloth, there wouldn't have been any charity to help the unfortunate,
If there was no wrath, there wouldn't be justice for the ones who deserve it.
If there would be no envy, there wont be any social conversations ;)
But seriously dont be envious just think of yourself be a narcissist. again the wink
If there's no pride, then to hell with it!! You're just a loser in our human tribe!

And if there weren't the seven deadly sins, then on what would I compose and sing....




Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum

again



Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum Pum pum pum pum

I know that was lousy.

Close. Pum Pumm Pummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............. Thank you..kisses...curtain not closing.tomatoes!

Read on till the end

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spreading my wings I feel the power,a sense of the almighty,
A chuckle,invincible? this moment spurs on the sense of anonymity.
Powerful as I am, my heart weakened by the sadness of failure,
Giving up was not easy,it was a necessity.I couldn't be this worlds saviour.
There is only a finite limit to which energy can be stretched and this is the limit,
If there is a chance of salvation for one last time,now is the time give it.
The silence of the cold air is eerie, I feel no chill as I go back to why I am here at the present moment,
I had to evaluate my decisions, the path that took me from being painfully different to just being normal in an instant.
The world is how it should not be,greed and lust for money and power,the divide between richness and poverty,
Destroying the soul,clinging on to selfishness.Hedonism is the devil in disguise destroying parity.
Wars,famine,calamities; the large sums of people living lives worse than in hell, the great divide amongst the classes shall never end,
Its just not humanely possible to ignore this plight,all happening right in front of your eyes;but we remain oblivious; "somehow they shall fend"
People ready to take lives, an eye for an eye making the world blind they say; I cannot relate to anyone in this present selfish and corrupt times,
And hence I take this decision, I came in to this world alone and I shalt decide when to leave it; after penning these last few lines.
Im not a coward,and I perform tremendously well under pressure; Ive failed in spreading the message of love and peace,
Hence this sacrifice, a loud explosion to be heard and felt and my dogmatic soul can ease.
I apologise to my family,they have always been behind my back,and I know its going to be baffling and they wouldnt understand,
I had to; My dreams you shall never comprehend. Sorry to my close friends who I got to know in this alien land.
Remember me and always smile, make my loss worthwhile; finally I have reached the end of the tunnel,
As I stand many storeys high,the media and a crowd calling me back, Now there was a bit of nerve, a sense of utopia; vertigo got me high,
I thought I could fly,knowing I have to crash down to earth for salvation.I closed my eyes,The demons in my head started,blood rushing to my head,adrenaline pumping,memories,my last heartbeats....Goodbye.

"DEATH NOTE"

I return to writing in what I know the best.Dark human emotions and sarcasm is my forte,although the latter involves my nonsensical humour. Sticking to this, I just wish people wouldn't end lives ie commit suicide and let their lives go astray. Stick in there and fight, never give up. There is that four letter bitch that keeps everyone going.Hope.

Since there have been many suicides in Mumbai lately and young people dying I advise parents not to put pressure on their young ones. Ive just explored a persons mind in this write up. I had coincidentally ventured into suicides before in my writings during biotech lectures. This ones dedicated to that one and I hope I can copy that one day on my blog.

Cheerio

2010

Welcome 2010. A new year of writing and copying my works from the notebook onto the blog.

VOLUNTEERS REQUIRED.
PAY IS NEGOTIABLE