Let me brief you about some of the facts that goes on with the itchy moustache -
It has survived doomsday's,generations, the great winters, wars, diseases travelling through time to reach today's time. Heck, when God was born the first thing he created in a week was the itchy moustache. Then came the itchy moustache's evil twin sister the fugly long beard donned by only the dubious cult like terrorists, babas, rakhi sawant etc etc. Even God eradicated the fugly long beard and has only kept a moustache (See:Rajnikanth).
Now I had a chance, a chance of a lifetime to meet the great 'Itchy Moustache' itself. As soon as I arrived admist the Himalayas, I was guided by Lord Shiva to a cave above his own. The cave was a duplex and as soon I entered inside it I taken aback, the intricate blend of the past and the present was visible in every aspect. I mean the cave had paintings of the great homo erectus to the 'Real Mona Lisa' and even MF Hussains rendition of a nude goddess (a popular bollywood female actor/dancer with an acquired American accent).
Vintage and neo technologies blended in as I was guided to it's main 'hall'. I was ushered to the side, as an event was going to start and the Itchy Moustache was already present before all the guests arrived, in all it's splendour and glow waiting for the barricade of question and answer. I was going to be part of the greatest cult show ever running from time immemorial!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I opened my rack sack for a notepad, I looked around and there was the following list of people ready to jot down notes with me. - The Pope, George W Bush Jr, Osama Bin Laden, Sri Sri Ravishankara, Baba Ramdev, Shashi Tharoor Mr and Mrs, Barack Obama, Some Chinese people, Some Russian spy like people,Tom Cruise, Mr.Apple Jobs, Mr.Assange, A guy in a military dress abusing in Espana and smoking a cuban, Some black people and some more Chinese people.
The guests arrived all at once and were masked with hoods and hideous masks and they had doctored their voice to hide their identities. Their rumblings lit up the hall, before the itchy moustache opened its eyes and suddenly there was an eerie silence.
It spoke " Now I know all of you have come from far far away, hearts filled with questions and uncertainties that only I and I alone can answer."
Everybody agreed in unison.
It went on "Old customers, new customers you should know you've paid a truck load of cash for this and I dont have any time so I want to get over with it as quickly as my er***** goes down when I see today's plastic women. Newbies you must ask me not one but a series of multiple questions in a single breath to get my answer. The question can be as stupid as Albert Einstein or as smart as Lindsay Lohan's fans I dont care, and if you're question is not answered there is always a next time and 10 million USD in cash, which by the way have to be put into the sacks that my disciples are bringing to you as I speak".
Murmurs and anxiety gripped the hall as the first guest rose up and went towards the itchy moustache.
I did not understand who the guest was before it shouted loudly, "Chetan Bhagat, you want me to give you another idea. Anyways, the money you earn comes back here so whats the point?"
Chetan replied " Sir,umm My Lord its actually that I have a new idea for a book which is going to be made into a movie later so I wanted your blessings and suggestions. I was thinking it should be called 2 GB of life and I want to get credit and moolah for it when it is a made in to a feature film, the previous incidents with 3 idiots shouldn't be repeated."
It answered "That's an easy one to start with. You fool, dont call it 2 GB of life, s but I think call it 32 GB to make it a longer book and in turn a longer movie ; and why not first make it a movie and then write a book? Huh!!"]
Quickly, the second guest arrived. This one was floating in mid-air, almost seeming like a ghost. In fact it was. It was the spirit of Michael Jackson.
MJ spoke softly, "My Lord, despite dying I am not happy in heaven and I want a transfer to hell, where I wanted to be re-united with one of my kiddie boyfriends."
"Micheal, the King of Pop I have always given you a path of light and I shall not disappoint thou this time too. I will personally talk to Maculay Culkin (Child actor of Home alone) in killing himself and you can re-unite in Satan's own bed. The only trick of getting you there as Macualy will automatically be there..Well before any release of any of your biographies, best of albums, auctioning your home furnishings etc shalt earn your post humous money by looting poor dumb people, who spend their hard earned savings on your memorabilia despite owning gazillions of your stuff. Fair enough sin to send ya to hell, innit?
Hugh Hefner, media mogul and owner of the famous Playboy stood up and mumbled "My lord, I have been pleasured by everything and everything that a man treasures in his imagination. I have seen and done everything to everyone and my life has become mundane, nothing and nothing can reignite the fire that I had when I was a 69 year old"
It smirked " Here is an unrated DVD of Mallika Sherawat's blockbuster snake porn movie - Hissssss! please watch it in the confines of your mansion and never thank me"
In a cluster, the cast of CSI, James Bond, Sherlock Homes & Watson, Batman and Robin, top officials of the FBI and CIA protested in despair " My Lord this is criminal injustice what thou have done. You have made all of us look useless and now we are jobless even"
I was perplexed at first, did not fathom why the greatest detectives in the world had joined hands in protest.???!!!!
The Itchy moustache in all it's glory calmly replied "Look at all of you, clean shaved and shining in the dark, have some shame before you call yourself detectives. ACP Prathyuman prayed and I cloned myself and settled in permanently above his lips. He has the power of the itchy moustache. And you can do nothing about it. Hence forth, every case, every murder, every investigation shall be solved by the 1 and only " C---I---D"
There was silence.
The Lord then basked in glory and said " I have resurrected careers of one and many. I have helped people on the brink of failure to rise up like a phoenix and reclaim their lives. You remember Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys fame right? He came in crying asking for help. Today he is better known as "Lady Gaga". Bruce Lee, had seen and committed so much violence, his soul was torn apart and sought solace. Today he is known as the " Dalai Lama".
" I conclude this session, as I am astounded by the type of people and their absurd questions. Each time, it gets worse than the previous time. I am thinking of taking a long duly deserved vacation so that I can absorb the current happenings and come back less frustrated."
Everybody made that noise, akin to that sound when the world found that Achint Kaur aka Mandira was the real Mandira ie Mandira Bedi.
The room was lit with light as bright as on the sun's core, and there stood Rajnikanth himself, in all his balding glory as the itchy moustache descended from its abode and settled on his arid area to make it complete and look like this -
