MARUTI OMNI : The van for all the wrong reasons. AN INFOMERCIAL

Statutory Warning :  As usual the content in this post contains themes that can be rated as 'A' or even unrated 'aaaRRR'. So if you are still making kids read my blog, you might want them not to read this one.!

PS - Some of you'll may not agree with the content of this post as it deals with some sensitive issues and you may brand me with certain adjectives and swear words, but be assured that I am very serious about the things that I am about to ink and would definitely not poke further misery on this topic and everything is meant to be taken as gentle comedy.


                                                 BTW THIS IS NEWS BULLETIN JUST IN!



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                                                        MARUTI OMNI

Is it a car? Is it a van? Is it a multi-utility vehicle? It's all that and more. For decades, the OMNI has been a symbol of progress, something more than a normal hatchback for transportation and a real money saver when it comes to capacity.

But some other reports have a painted a different picture. Sources say that the most kidnappings happen in the states of Jammu and Kashmir and the infamous Bihar, MP, Jharkhand belt. Reports confirm that 99.99 % of the time (an average better than Donald Bradman) the mode of pick up has been an OMNI. So it does not only pick up cargo and freight, or apparently the cargo is actually live people.!! Fascinating statistics.!!


More reports flowing in. Our reporter Ghanshyam, says that Delhi and Haryana have the maximum cases of rape. And 65.74 %  (Sachin Tendulkar who?) of the times the wonder vehicle culprit of this heinous crime is our pyaari si OMNI.

Do you watch Bollywood movies? Old ones where the only SUV was the jeep. Come on the most fashionable car in the 90's?? It was the freaking OMNI!!!!!!

                                      

Alright this flashing bulletin comes to a close. I bet you would rather see my female co-host flash one of those ;) (it rhymes,but no reason why).

Lets leave you with this commercial with a lot of helpful information on the OMNI. All the characters have disclosed their identities and for the public viewing pleasure its dubbed in HINDI. ENJOY!!!!


PS 2 - The below content is done on the lines of the TELEBRANDS commercials that airs on tv where in Angrez ke aulaad are shown speaking in shudh Hindi marketing hideous items. This was just to save you the trouble of what my real intentions were.

PS 3 - Please gift me one.

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Hello hamara naam - Gajodhar Singh Kumar Mahendra Singh Dhoni Tiwary hai. Hum, Bihar mein bachho ko school utharkar le jaat aur vaapas ghar le aat ka kaam karte the. Hum zindagi se khoob naaraaz the. Yeh kaam se koi paisa aata hi nahi tha. Hamara nithhala tempo har doosra din garage ka chakkar lagata tha, Upar se nayalak bacche shor macha kar , masti kar ke hum ko aadha behra bana diya tha.

Gajodhar Singh Kumar Mahendra Singh Dhoni Tiwary (BEFORE)

                                                 

Phir ek din, Bhaiyya Mulayum Singh Jhadav Kumar Dhoni Tiwary ne hum ko OMNI ka ad-va bataya. Mentos nahi khaane ke bavjood dimaag ki batti jal gayi, Aisa sulga, nava business model ka strategic planning ka chitra mann mein chapp gaya.

Aaaj, teen saal ho gaye hai OMNI khareedke. 308 kidnapping ke baad aaj me crorepati ho gaya. Ab to main, KBC mein phoneva bhi nahi lagata hoon. Bhak saala BIG B!! Pehli baar, jab hum apne usual schoolva ke baccho ko kidnap kiya toh doh darr laga, lekin OMNI ke ambiance ne baccho ki phaad di.. from now I always want it that way..what? My life.

Gajodhar Singh Kumar Mahendra Singh Dhoni Tiwary (AFTER)

Thank you OMNI. Loves you a lots jaaneman!!



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Hiiiiiiii!!! Mera naam Sheela ki Jawani hai aur main Dilli ki Sardi ka walking talking tadka hoon ji.

KOENA MITRA (BEFORE)

Pehle main life se bahut pareshaan thi. Mera askar rape hota tha. Lekin mein us baat se pareshaan nahi thi. Mera rape bahut hi third class gaadi mein hota tha.

Bilkul jagah nahi hoti thi, aur mujhe suffocation bhi hota tha. Ant mein zandu balm lagakar thoda bahut savings bhi kharch ho jata tha. Phir maine apne rapists ko OMNI ka reference diya.

                                    

Aur phir? Life has beautifully become first class. Ab to jab mera OMNI se rape hota hai to main bahut sukuun ki saans lekar, apna body failakar mazze leti hoon. Aisa lagta hai ki taj mahal ke bade bade kamron mein mere saath zabardasti ho raha hai.

Maine baad me apne rape liye paise bhi lene lagi, usse maine liposuction aur cosmetic surgery kara ke apna naam Koena Mitra rakha!! I really thanks you OMNI!!! Love you..Muaaaah ah ah ah!!

KOENA MITRA (AFTER)

                                            

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Salaam Waalekum mera naam hai Abdul Rehman Qazi Taufeeq Umar Gul Panag OsaObama Laden Hussain.
Main ek undertaker tha.

Abdul Rehman Qazi Taufeeq Umar Gul Panag OsaObama Laden Hussain (BEFORE)

Mera kaam tha ki murdo (dead bodies) ko thikaane lagaana aur unka logistical needs mein kaam aana. Lekin is kaam se main pareshaan tha. Modern medicine ke wajah se business bahut down tha.
Main apni puraani gaadi - tata estate ko exchange karne gaya tha.

Wahaan meri mulaakaat ek shaatir aur brilliant aur jaabaas aur brave CID officer se hui. ACP Prathyuman from CID. Woh apna case # 185,372 the case of another dead body in the car solve kar raha tha. Break mein maine usko apni pareshaani ke baare mein bataya.

Unhone, mujhe job offer diya.!! Mera kaam tha dead bodies collect kar ke usse CID ke forensic lab mein leke jaakar Dr.Salunkhe aur Tarika ko handover karna tha.

Aur uske liye mujhe mila MARUTI OMNI. Aaaj main aise lagta hoon compared to my previous picture. Pehle mein ek dead body lekar jaata tha aur aaj mein ek saath 78.69 bodies ko stuff karta hoon. Main bahut khush hoo. 
                                        


Dr.Tarika ko bhi maine patta liya hai. Life is well. Now I called the Americans Bad Ass due to Omni have confidence and I look beauiful,smarty and handsome. Thank you OMNI!!!!

Abdul Rehman Qazi Taufeeq Umar Gul Panag OsaObama Laden Hussain (AFTER)

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The airing of the OMNI infomercial has officially ended. You may either hang yourselves or contact serial killer Pappu Gel waaale bal mein kangi and give my supaari.!

DEATH BED NOTE - IF THERE IS ANY RICH PRODUCER OUT THERE WANTING TO WASTE MONEY THEN, THIS COULD BE A MUCH BETTER ADVERTISEMENT THAN A WRITE-UP. AND I AM WILLING TO PLAY ALL THE CHARACTERS FOR FREE.!! pls contact me on - 100 and ask for kaidi no. 2169AFF

Taking you to heaven

2011 has descended upon us and its dawned in record time. I feel I've jumped from 2009 to 2011.

Yet,2010 has been a good year with significant events and a lot more activity on my blog.

This one is inspired and dedicated to a family member, or more specifically a family whose pain and agony cannot be put into words. Yet I have tried to my best, but words are may be not enough to experience parting from a loved one with so much tragedy. The flood gates threatened to open every time I thought and inked a sentence.

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The room is filled up with lights yet there is darkness, people close yet distant, the air becomes heavy to breathe,
Acceptance is my fate, as I look at your beautiful face turning pale, your hair still prim and neat.

I wait for you smile, but there isn't any, that mischievous grin you carried when you've got yourself in trouble,
Yet you were playfully naive and innocent, to this heinous world around us, we lived in our little happiness bubble.

Do you remember the first time you won the prize for the best singer at a school competition? You ran faster than the wind to show us your trophy?
And there set in your insatiable desire and hunger to be the best and collect more accolades and make music more than just your hobby.

Being a protective brother, being your life support to your little sister, she grew up over your shadow of certainty and tranquil,the elder brother she began to adore;
And she tries to replicate your love as she raises her children today, her eyes moist as memories of her childhood spent with you washes ashore.

I still remember when you first learn to ride your bicycle without support, and how soon did the time come when your zipping on your motorbike,
And how you ran without inhibition; jumping into the lake, the shattering of the windows after your ferocious strike.

 How your mother made you burn the midnight oil, she always did strive for your studies and you balanced it perfectly by remaining honest to studies and your passions,
The long nights we had when we used to practice our music together, singing away, dancing, playing games as a family without any distractions.


You became my friend, a father figure scolding me away when you got the job in the city and had to move away,
You were so generous with the little ones in the family, staying independently , I realized that you had grown into a mature adult, and yet today I stand in dismay.

These were the hands that first held you when you arrived in this world, the very hands that lifted you in the sky when you were curious about the stars,
These very hands that will lift you up for the last time, as you descend into the abode where rest the world's greatest czars.

Why did you leave us son? You only gave us happiness and in one stroke it all went away, leaving us with a wound that can never heal, why did God take you away from our little eden?
As I walk, lifting you, your memories gives me warmth, but it does not take away the bitterness that I am taking my eldest child, my own blood to heaven.