Final port of call

Staring at my timepiece,seconds pass tick tock,
I wait with bated breath,the ship hasn't arrived yet at the dock.
This is my calling to a one way journey to an unknown quantum,
Nobody around,I'm in solitude;mood sombre and thoughts random.
May be not yet,Inside there still is left may be a few drops of fight,
These bloody books and movies have convinced me to look for a white light.
Its funny how I always wanted to be most talked about,
Trivial as it may sound,attention is what I wanted with a desire to stay humble with no clout.
Yet I was just one amongst everyone,it finally took my frailty to garner the poison chalice of fame,
Every heart melted,silent tears were shed,and there were pitiful glances of shame.
I got fruits,flowers and even a blonde wig, aah have I been a good human being?
I guess so,I leave with no regrets ;always had a melody to sing.
I've apologized for every wrong,and hope my karma counts for every righteous deed,
The ship looms large,the horn hoots may be its time,may be after all there is a white light indeed.

Ramble On...

This blog is a sacred space. No one really ventures on to these lands, or dips their feet in the waters here. I cant stop rambling on or writing or singing. These are things just genetically engineered in my DNA by our alien ancestors. While twitter is about ranting (mostly) my blog is about tranquil. Some times, yes I like humour based fillers but I rather vent out my anger and bitterness rather channelize it by writing about love and death. I still continue to write when lighting strikes me, in a raksha (auto rickshaw) or in office or whenever I dont choose a moment. Thank Francesco Totti, that the blackberry torch has kept safe all the little rhymes and sonnets. Am I back to blogging?....... White noise.........

2012

Its been almost a year since I posted anything. But unlike the cob webs seen here, the past year has been tremendously fruitful and creative. Its just like how you see a slim guy and assume that he has no health complications.


2012 has been very unique. I have done and experienced new things, ventured in to new horzions. Its been a year where I constantly pushed myself. Work took priority, regular and extra curricular. Finances improved and hence family relationships took a beating as more money meant more social commitments. New friends happened, old ones were cut off some by me some by the other party. Did not make a big difference as I stopped caring. Hey I grew a pair, finally.

Goa with Omi happened, Gautams wedding happened, then a real blank space fills in my sober, nico craving blood which is reaching my brain.

I finally decided to get over her, I battle was fought and won against myself. The stupid guy I was, ah I shall always be like this fuck it. A person is interesting but trust me the chances of Roma winning the Italian Serie A look more promising than this thing.


I dont know when or if I shall blog again. I shall but cant say when. Could take 2 days or 2 decades or 2 gay hunters who threaten to show their gun if I dont blog. The point is I have a legit Gmail id and I thought might as well make the most of it.

It'll be so cool If I log out and the world ends.

Actually no, I want to see the grand finale of this fascinating and for me one of the best years I have seen. 2 0 1 2 Baby!

11:11 'Sonnets of Silence'

Its finally coming to a store near you.

Meanwhile can be currently purchased from Flipkart -  http://www.flipkart.com/books/9381115992?pid=jt33f92d7x&_l=CJHVEqJO3veuHytbACc9dw--&_r=%20PL3366rdT3NGPK4WHG9Ug--&ref=6ba47659-e9a3-4a06-a33c-9dd6302e6682

The Obvious but Oblivious Fable of Love

Lying beneath the dust, hidden in the cryptic past; lay a fable of a mighty king. The chronicles of his injustice and his lust for power,
The pain of finding joy amongst sorrows of anyone who stood in his front; eventually condemning him to his death, the truth he learned in his last hour.
He was given the burden on a young shoulder,guided by instinct he had to extended his arms and protect a small kingdom, doing all the he could
The fountain of his youth turned into a battle to defend, his love turning into ruthless hate as he picked up threads and vowed to be the mightiest ruler that ever stood.
Fights turned into wars, as he conquered lands known and unknown, his might ruling his mind, he became a symbol of evil to his subjects,
Slashing the throat of his wife for adultery, ensuring slavery on peasants for the rest of their dogmatic lives,he truly became poison in all aspects.
Eventually, his eyes met with a nomad in one of the villages, had he truly found love? or was it a mere mirage that would  be evanescent when it promised eternity?
The girl was on the verge of bearing his child, until the demons in the king's head filled the lake of love with poison and profanity.
He decided to slay the unborn child, ending the hallucination of love, the girl decided to run away and stay in hiding,
She left behind a prophecy, that the child will return and avenge, and take the life of the ruthless king and in his last breath, will he discover this finding.
The king in rage, tried to hunt them down but in futility to no avail. His blood boiled and he became tyrannical as ever,setting out to conquer the universe,
Injustice spilled out from the waters and land, as He destroyed serenity infiltrating it with profanity. His march forward ,no soul could put in reverse
He banished anyone who stood his way, even the closest who tried to sweeten his poison with love, he became obsessed to rule every land,
His every move had vengeance, ruthless and unjust; the chances of him turning back was grim as days passed into months into years, he turned into ruler he planned.
One fine morning, the visually frail king fell ill with a mystery disease with no cure, and he lay bound to his bed, not even his ego could him the push,
Medicine men were summoned from unknown corners, they tried to drug him into ease, tried every oil and herb, tried every plant and bush.
The king realized that his time had come, and there entered a young sage claiming he had the cure for everything mundane,
The king could barely see, but he could hear well and feel his aura filling the room replacing negativity and regret with a burning flame.
The young sage concluded to the king in private, that the king might have won several wars in his time,
But his battle to win himself was unsuccessful, he had on his head, killing his conscious as the most heinous crime.
The king might have all the precious gems and wealth, but to what extent does it really count?
He could not buy time and rewind it, and cherish moments with the loved ones who were slayed on his account.
The king was conqueror of lands, but not a conqueror of hearts and in the end even he is not the rightful owner of the mother,
His own ego and arrogance were just a mere exoskeleton, inside lay a little child like any one of us who just wished love would enter and smother.
These words pierced through the Kings heart, the young sage pronounced if you never give love you never get love back in return, out of his body came his soul and flew,
The king had left with a little rue, a glimmer of  acceptance of his wrong and the prophecy of his end had finally come true.

But..I still haven't found what I'm looking for (3/3 The Finale for St.Valentines 2011)

As for me, I always celebrate St.Valentines as much as I celebrate Nag Panchami. The day is special et al, more commercial than real and hence I am going to pen down the most cheesiest sentences I have ever penned. After all, being cheesy is the real spirit of St.Valentines no?

In the end it all boils down to four letters that make a word. Crap or Shit to start with, the four letter word that always brings a change is Luck. Ride your luck and you shall encounter Fate. We all search only for a solitary feeling called Love and with it, one virtue that you should never pass is Hope. Sum it all, and you get this fantastic journey called Life.

And I bring in the last song, as the curtain falls down on this 3 part series. It's from one of the greatest rock n roll bands - U2 , one of my all time favourite songs. A combination of soulful music and powerful lyrics, it hits the bulls eye.

Enjoy and Happy St.Valentines 2011 to one and all.!!!


Video : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnD6ojjA0OA

Mp3 : http://www.emp3world.com/mp3/49949/U2/I%20Still%20Haven%27t%20Found%20What%20I%27m%20Looking%20For

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Oh my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for



Curtain closure. End of saga. Tomatoes!!!

                                                                           xxxxxxxx

Koi aaney waala hai ( 2/3 for St. Valentines 2011)

Now life is such a bitch that a single person has to see a lovey-dovey couple and feel like crap. Shit that guy/girl looks so happy; and vice versa after sometime in a relationship, whenever a group of guys/girls are chilling you feel stuck and wish you had the freedom just to be! Which side is better? Honestly, its the second one until and unless you have a kleptomaniac partner. After reading Paolo Coelho's books, you feel automatically imbibe that feeling that the universe is watching you, and every thing happens as its the universe's conspiracy and eventually things fall in place (Seriously read : The Zahir). As a teenager, those were the things that I used to read and get inspired. I might have made a mistake or two (human) but eventually the eternal optimistic flame did not extinguish thankfully.

Since St. Valentines is all about songs, there's an artiste I call AUNTY ie Celine Dion AUNTY and one song always makes all the girls go awww.!!!! So here are the words -

I can read your mind and I know your story
and I see what you're going through yeah
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you yeah

don't surrender coz' you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

When you question me for a simple answer
I don't know what to say, no
But it's plain to see, if we stick together
You're gonna find the way, yeah

So don't surrender coz' you can win
In this thing called looove

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is
(That's the way it is)

When life is empty with no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to call
Baby don't worry, forget your sorrow
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all, ALL!

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

Don't give up on your faith
love comes to those who believe it
and that's the way it is.

That's the way it is
That's the way it is, yeah
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is .


I think its never going to happen. There is nothing in this world like true love. I am never going to find the right person.    Not.

If you are a pure person, and likes the person for who he or she is then there is atleast a chance. The modern world is filled with filthy feelings like monetary power, materialistic gains etc. Lust was always there, and its a sin no doubt but the other aspects have risen in this god damn kalyug ladies and gentlemen!!!! Ok, no more philosophy.

Do you believe in fairy tales? Do you believe in karma and destiny? Do you believe in angels? Do you believe in miracles? Do you believe that Roma will win this champions league? ( I'm loving the back striking)

I just pray that if the person is right and you believe it truly, whatever or however small the squabble is please resolve it and see the bigger picture.

And for all the singles, on this St. Valentines when you see the clear blue sky and yet feel gloomy, when you feel really cold when it frikkin hot like hell in Bombay, I shall be passing around and you would be hearing this song playing out loud.

dhadkan keh rahi hai, yahaan koi aane wala hai
saawan keh raha hai, baadal koi chaane wala hai
 

mann mera paagal dhundata hai tujhe ghabraake
gunje keh rahi hai, saahil koi aanewaala hai
koyal keh rahi hai, saathi koi gaanewaala hai
ik naya aasmaan mil gaya hai hamein tujhko paake
(ho o o o o o.... aane wala hai koi
ho o o o o o.... koi aane wala hai.....) - (2)

aaj mera jahaan tum hi tum ho
abb meri daastaan tum hi tum ho
tum yahaan tum vahaan jaane jaana
jaau main abb jahaan tum hi tum ho
 

mil gaya raasta kaisa phulon bhara chalte chalte
dhadkan keh rahi hai, yahaan koi aane wala hai
saawan keh raha hai, baadal koi chaane wala hai
mann mera paagal dhundata hai tujhe ghabraake
(ho o o o o o.... aane wala hai koi
ho o o o o o.... koi aane wala hai.....) - (2)

FIN. PART DUO. COMING SOON, THE FINALE...WAIT FOR IT 

                                             (---------------------------------)

Dhaani (1/3 for St.Valentines 2011)

                                                      "DHAANI"

Till date, when everybody asks everybody '' Describe the qualities that you ideally want in your partner'' or ''who is the perfect girl for you?'' et al genre of questions. I could never come up with a name or traits any time. Albeit, in my ever present state of humour I tend to throw answers like 'she should like sport -football' or 'drink and smoke' (I do prefer the former though), the facts remained shrouded in mystery until now. I am old fashioned and filmy living in the 70's or any era from the past that supported my eccentricity, modern times have made the world hypocrites, materialistic and cynical. The mystery still remains in a veil, as the song from one of my favourite Pakistani bands come across my head. I heard 'Dhaani' years back, without realising its true meaning, until it caught my attention and I was blown away!  A beautiful poetry based on a simple woman I concluded. It is magically woven by Anwar Maqsood Saab who makes you believe that he is personifying the winds, rivers and the beauty of  nature overall.

Below are the words - 

"dhaani
re dhaani
chunariya
dhaani, re dhaani...chunariya
kude baadal ke saiye may lehraye gi
mujhe tadpaye gi, chali jaye gi
jaisay bijuriya
mastaani...
re jhoke ki surat may chu jaye gi
sharmaye gi aur itraye gi
jaisai nadiya
deewaani...
dhaani, re dhaani chunariya
haye dhaani...
saaye may uske barso ka jaaga
mein so jaau
uski sajti savarti dhanak mein
main ghar banau
apnay ghar main kaee chand tare utaru sajau
khushbuo say bhare raasto mein kho jau
kude baadal ke saye may lehraye gi
mujhe tarpaye gi, chali jaye gi
jaisay bijuriya
mastaani...
dhaani
re dhaani
chunariya
haye dhaani
tan uske baarish mein dhul ke hai ghiste
aur nikharte
ruh uski zamino ke chehro se milte
aur damakte
uske andaz jaise hai mausam aate jaate
usse sargam bhi haste haste jagmagate
kude baadal ke saiye may lehraye gi
mujhe tarpaye gi, chali jaye gi
jaisay bijuriya
mastaani...
dhaani
re dhaani
chunariya
dhaani, re dhaani...chunariya
dhaani re..."

The video is also a representation of independent women, driving a truck, being a mechanic, running a restaurant, or a paan place or a saloon. Featuring one of the most beautiful women of all time I believe - Zeba Bakhtiyar. 

This song sends me into an epiphany, a unreal state of ecstasy and pure joy. The words pierce through, and hence forth, if any body asks me about 'the perfect----', they can refer to my blog entry called 'Dhaani' ;)

This concludes my 1st part of my 3 part series on the occasion of  St.Valentines 2011.

                                                                      (----------)

MARUTI OMNI : The van for all the wrong reasons. AN INFOMERCIAL

Statutory Warning :  As usual the content in this post contains themes that can be rated as 'A' or even unrated 'aaaRRR'. So if you are still making kids read my blog, you might want them not to read this one.!

PS - Some of you'll may not agree with the content of this post as it deals with some sensitive issues and you may brand me with certain adjectives and swear words, but be assured that I am very serious about the things that I am about to ink and would definitely not poke further misery on this topic and everything is meant to be taken as gentle comedy.


                                                 BTW THIS IS NEWS BULLETIN JUST IN!



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                                                        MARUTI OMNI

Is it a car? Is it a van? Is it a multi-utility vehicle? It's all that and more. For decades, the OMNI has been a symbol of progress, something more than a normal hatchback for transportation and a real money saver when it comes to capacity.

But some other reports have a painted a different picture. Sources say that the most kidnappings happen in the states of Jammu and Kashmir and the infamous Bihar, MP, Jharkhand belt. Reports confirm that 99.99 % of the time (an average better than Donald Bradman) the mode of pick up has been an OMNI. So it does not only pick up cargo and freight, or apparently the cargo is actually live people.!! Fascinating statistics.!!


More reports flowing in. Our reporter Ghanshyam, says that Delhi and Haryana have the maximum cases of rape. And 65.74 %  (Sachin Tendulkar who?) of the times the wonder vehicle culprit of this heinous crime is our pyaari si OMNI.

Do you watch Bollywood movies? Old ones where the only SUV was the jeep. Come on the most fashionable car in the 90's?? It was the freaking OMNI!!!!!!

                                      

Alright this flashing bulletin comes to a close. I bet you would rather see my female co-host flash one of those ;) (it rhymes,but no reason why).

Lets leave you with this commercial with a lot of helpful information on the OMNI. All the characters have disclosed their identities and for the public viewing pleasure its dubbed in HINDI. ENJOY!!!!


PS 2 - The below content is done on the lines of the TELEBRANDS commercials that airs on tv where in Angrez ke aulaad are shown speaking in shudh Hindi marketing hideous items. This was just to save you the trouble of what my real intentions were.

PS 3 - Please gift me one.

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Hello hamara naam - Gajodhar Singh Kumar Mahendra Singh Dhoni Tiwary hai. Hum, Bihar mein bachho ko school utharkar le jaat aur vaapas ghar le aat ka kaam karte the. Hum zindagi se khoob naaraaz the. Yeh kaam se koi paisa aata hi nahi tha. Hamara nithhala tempo har doosra din garage ka chakkar lagata tha, Upar se nayalak bacche shor macha kar , masti kar ke hum ko aadha behra bana diya tha.

Gajodhar Singh Kumar Mahendra Singh Dhoni Tiwary (BEFORE)

                                                 

Phir ek din, Bhaiyya Mulayum Singh Jhadav Kumar Dhoni Tiwary ne hum ko OMNI ka ad-va bataya. Mentos nahi khaane ke bavjood dimaag ki batti jal gayi, Aisa sulga, nava business model ka strategic planning ka chitra mann mein chapp gaya.

Aaaj, teen saal ho gaye hai OMNI khareedke. 308 kidnapping ke baad aaj me crorepati ho gaya. Ab to main, KBC mein phoneva bhi nahi lagata hoon. Bhak saala BIG B!! Pehli baar, jab hum apne usual schoolva ke baccho ko kidnap kiya toh doh darr laga, lekin OMNI ke ambiance ne baccho ki phaad di.. from now I always want it that way..what? My life.

Gajodhar Singh Kumar Mahendra Singh Dhoni Tiwary (AFTER)

Thank you OMNI. Loves you a lots jaaneman!!



***************************************************************************************


Hiiiiiiii!!! Mera naam Sheela ki Jawani hai aur main Dilli ki Sardi ka walking talking tadka hoon ji.

KOENA MITRA (BEFORE)

Pehle main life se bahut pareshaan thi. Mera askar rape hota tha. Lekin mein us baat se pareshaan nahi thi. Mera rape bahut hi third class gaadi mein hota tha.

Bilkul jagah nahi hoti thi, aur mujhe suffocation bhi hota tha. Ant mein zandu balm lagakar thoda bahut savings bhi kharch ho jata tha. Phir maine apne rapists ko OMNI ka reference diya.

                                    

Aur phir? Life has beautifully become first class. Ab to jab mera OMNI se rape hota hai to main bahut sukuun ki saans lekar, apna body failakar mazze leti hoon. Aisa lagta hai ki taj mahal ke bade bade kamron mein mere saath zabardasti ho raha hai.

Maine baad me apne rape liye paise bhi lene lagi, usse maine liposuction aur cosmetic surgery kara ke apna naam Koena Mitra rakha!! I really thanks you OMNI!!! Love you..Muaaaah ah ah ah!!

KOENA MITRA (AFTER)

                                            

***************************************************************************************

Salaam Waalekum mera naam hai Abdul Rehman Qazi Taufeeq Umar Gul Panag OsaObama Laden Hussain.
Main ek undertaker tha.

Abdul Rehman Qazi Taufeeq Umar Gul Panag OsaObama Laden Hussain (BEFORE)

Mera kaam tha ki murdo (dead bodies) ko thikaane lagaana aur unka logistical needs mein kaam aana. Lekin is kaam se main pareshaan tha. Modern medicine ke wajah se business bahut down tha.
Main apni puraani gaadi - tata estate ko exchange karne gaya tha.

Wahaan meri mulaakaat ek shaatir aur brilliant aur jaabaas aur brave CID officer se hui. ACP Prathyuman from CID. Woh apna case # 185,372 the case of another dead body in the car solve kar raha tha. Break mein maine usko apni pareshaani ke baare mein bataya.

Unhone, mujhe job offer diya.!! Mera kaam tha dead bodies collect kar ke usse CID ke forensic lab mein leke jaakar Dr.Salunkhe aur Tarika ko handover karna tha.

Aur uske liye mujhe mila MARUTI OMNI. Aaaj main aise lagta hoon compared to my previous picture. Pehle mein ek dead body lekar jaata tha aur aaj mein ek saath 78.69 bodies ko stuff karta hoon. Main bahut khush hoo. 
                                        


Dr.Tarika ko bhi maine patta liya hai. Life is well. Now I called the Americans Bad Ass due to Omni have confidence and I look beauiful,smarty and handsome. Thank you OMNI!!!!

Abdul Rehman Qazi Taufeeq Umar Gul Panag OsaObama Laden Hussain (AFTER)

************************************************************************************************
The airing of the OMNI infomercial has officially ended. You may either hang yourselves or contact serial killer Pappu Gel waaale bal mein kangi and give my supaari.!

DEATH BED NOTE - IF THERE IS ANY RICH PRODUCER OUT THERE WANTING TO WASTE MONEY THEN, THIS COULD BE A MUCH BETTER ADVERTISEMENT THAN A WRITE-UP. AND I AM WILLING TO PLAY ALL THE CHARACTERS FOR FREE.!! pls contact me on - 100 and ask for kaidi no. 2169AFF

Taking you to heaven

2011 has descended upon us and its dawned in record time. I feel I've jumped from 2009 to 2011.

Yet,2010 has been a good year with significant events and a lot more activity on my blog.

This one is inspired and dedicated to a family member, or more specifically a family whose pain and agony cannot be put into words. Yet I have tried to my best, but words are may be not enough to experience parting from a loved one with so much tragedy. The flood gates threatened to open every time I thought and inked a sentence.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The room is filled up with lights yet there is darkness, people close yet distant, the air becomes heavy to breathe,
Acceptance is my fate, as I look at your beautiful face turning pale, your hair still prim and neat.

I wait for you smile, but there isn't any, that mischievous grin you carried when you've got yourself in trouble,
Yet you were playfully naive and innocent, to this heinous world around us, we lived in our little happiness bubble.

Do you remember the first time you won the prize for the best singer at a school competition? You ran faster than the wind to show us your trophy?
And there set in your insatiable desire and hunger to be the best and collect more accolades and make music more than just your hobby.

Being a protective brother, being your life support to your little sister, she grew up over your shadow of certainty and tranquil,the elder brother she began to adore;
And she tries to replicate your love as she raises her children today, her eyes moist as memories of her childhood spent with you washes ashore.

I still remember when you first learn to ride your bicycle without support, and how soon did the time come when your zipping on your motorbike,
And how you ran without inhibition; jumping into the lake, the shattering of the windows after your ferocious strike.

 How your mother made you burn the midnight oil, she always did strive for your studies and you balanced it perfectly by remaining honest to studies and your passions,
The long nights we had when we used to practice our music together, singing away, dancing, playing games as a family without any distractions.


You became my friend, a father figure scolding me away when you got the job in the city and had to move away,
You were so generous with the little ones in the family, staying independently , I realized that you had grown into a mature adult, and yet today I stand in dismay.

These were the hands that first held you when you arrived in this world, the very hands that lifted you in the sky when you were curious about the stars,
These very hands that will lift you up for the last time, as you descend into the abode where rest the world's greatest czars.

Why did you leave us son? You only gave us happiness and in one stroke it all went away, leaving us with a wound that can never heal, why did God take you away from our little eden?
As I walk, lifting you, your memories gives me warmth, but it does not take away the bitterness that I am taking my eldest child, my own blood to heaven.

The Itchy Moustache

Finally...the time has come. To reveal to the world, the greatest enlightened being in this world. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the greatest one, the and only ' THE ITCHY MOUSTACHE'


Let me brief you about some of the facts that goes on with the itchy moustache -

It has survived doomsday's,generations, the great winters, wars, diseases travelling through time to reach today's time. Heck, when God was born the first thing he created in a week was the itchy moustache. Then came the itchy moustache's evil twin sister the fugly long beard donned by only the dubious cult like terrorists, babas, rakhi sawant etc etc. Even God eradicated the fugly long beard and has only kept a moustache (See:Rajnikanth).

Now I had a chance, a chance of a lifetime to meet the great 'Itchy Moustache' itself. As soon as I arrived admist the Himalayas, I was guided by Lord Shiva to a cave above his own. The cave was a duplex and as soon I entered inside it I taken aback, the intricate blend of the past and the present was visible in every aspect. I mean the cave had paintings of the great homo erectus to the 'Real Mona Lisa' and even MF Hussains rendition of a nude goddess (a popular bollywood female actor/dancer with an acquired American accent).  

Vintage and neo technologies blended in as I was guided to it's main 'hall'. I was ushered to the side, as an event was going to start and the Itchy Moustache was already present before all the guests arrived, in all it's splendour and glow waiting for the barricade of question and answer. I was going to be part of the greatest cult show ever running from time immemorial!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I opened my rack sack for a notepad, I looked around and there was the following list of people ready to jot down notes with me. - The Pope, George W Bush Jr, Osama Bin Laden, Sri Sri Ravishankara, Baba Ramdev, Shashi Tharoor Mr and Mrs, Barack Obama, Some Chinese people, Some Russian spy like people,Tom Cruise, Mr.Apple Jobs, Mr.Assange, A guy in a military dress abusing in Espana and smoking a cuban, Some black people and some more Chinese people.

The guests arrived all at once and were masked with hoods and hideous masks and they had doctored their voice to hide their identities. Their rumblings lit up the hall, before the itchy moustache opened its eyes and suddenly there was an eerie silence.


It spoke " Now I know all of you have come from far far away, hearts filled with questions and uncertainties that only I and I alone can answer."


Everybody agreed in unison.

It went on "Old customers, new customers you should know you've paid a truck load of cash for this and I dont have any time so I want to get over with it as quickly as my er***** goes down when I see today's plastic women. Newbies you must ask me not one but a series of multiple questions in a single breath to get my answer. The question can be as stupid as Albert Einstein or as smart as Lindsay Lohan's fans I dont care, and if you're question is not answered there is always a next time and 10 million USD in cash, which by the way have to be put into the sacks that my disciples are bringing to you as I speak".

Murmurs and anxiety gripped the hall as the first guest rose up and went towards the itchy moustache.

I did not understand who the guest was before it shouted loudly, "Chetan Bhagat, you want me to give you another idea. Anyways, the money you earn comes back here so whats the point?"

Chetan replied " Sir,umm My Lord its actually that I have a new idea for a book which is going to be made into a movie later so I wanted your blessings and suggestions. I was thinking it should be called 2 GB of life and I want to get credit and moolah for it when it is a made in to a feature film, the previous incidents with 3 idiots shouldn't be repeated."

It answered "That's an easy one to start with. You fool, dont call it 2 GB of life, s but I think call it 32 GB to make it a longer book and in turn a longer movie ; and why not first make it a movie and then write a book? Huh!!"]

Quickly, the second guest arrived. This one was floating in mid-air, almost seeming like a ghost. In fact it was. It was the spirit of Michael Jackson.

MJ spoke softly, "My Lord, despite dying I am not happy in heaven and I want a transfer to hell, where I wanted to be re-united with one of my kiddie boyfriends."

"Micheal, the King of Pop I have always given you a path of light and I shall not disappoint thou this time too. I will personally talk to Maculay Culkin (Child actor of Home alone) in killing himself and you can re-unite in Satan's own bed. The only trick of getting you there as Macualy will automatically be there..Well before any release of any of your biographies, best of albums, auctioning your home furnishings etc shalt earn your post humous money by looting poor dumb people, who spend their hard earned savings on your memorabilia despite owning  gazillions of your stuff. Fair enough sin to send ya to hell, innit?

Hugh Hefner, media mogul and owner of the famous Playboy stood up and mumbled "My lord, I have been pleasured by everything and everything that a man treasures in his imagination. I have seen and done everything to everyone and my life has become mundane, nothing and nothing can reignite the fire that I had when I was a 69 year old"

It smirked " Here is an unrated DVD of Mallika Sherawat's blockbuster snake porn movie - Hissssss! please watch it in the confines of your mansion and never thank me"

In a cluster, the cast of CSI, James Bond, Sherlock Homes & Watson, Batman and Robin, top officials of the FBI and CIA protested in despair " My Lord this is criminal injustice what thou have done. You have made all of us look useless and now we are jobless even"

I was perplexed at first, did not fathom why the greatest detectives in the world had joined hands in protest.???!!!!

The Itchy moustache in all it's glory calmly replied "Look at all of you, clean shaved and shining in the dark, have some shame before you call yourself detectives. ACP Prathyuman prayed and I cloned myself and settled in permanently above his lips. He has the power of the itchy moustache. And you can do nothing about it. Hence forth, every case, every murder, every investigation shall be solved by the 1 and only " C---I---D"

There was silence.

The Lord then basked in glory and said " I have resurrected careers of one and many. I have helped people on the brink of failure to rise up like a phoenix and reclaim their lives. You remember Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys fame right? He came in crying asking for help. Today he is better known as "Lady Gaga". Bruce Lee, had seen and committed so much violence, his soul was torn apart and sought solace. Today he is known as the " Dalai Lama".

" I conclude this session, as I am astounded by the type of people and their absurd questions. Each time, it gets worse than the previous time. I am thinking of taking a long duly deserved vacation so that I can absorb the current happenings and come back less frustrated."

Everybody made that noise, akin to that sound when the world found that Achint Kaur aka Mandira was the real Mandira ie Mandira Bedi.

The room was lit with light as bright as on the sun's core, and there stood Rajnikanth himself, in all his balding glory as the itchy moustache descended from its abode and settled on his arid area to make it complete and look like this -

My Randomness

This post is gory, the state of my mind is slightly unbalanced and there is no better place to plate my random thoughts and hence the title of the post. . .

Nature dances to the flurry of winds, its an onslaught, the cool gusty breeze finds a way to your head and smashes it hard,

As I commence the sacred ritual of burning the grass, releasing the spirit as addictive as an obsession leaving the soul charred.

The voices in my head don’t make any sense as they fade out, an unvoiced static envelopes the brain and I begin to hear the sound of silence,

Bliss, a haven where the mind and the soul unite; you open your arms and take flight, unperturbed even by a single feeling of hatred and petulance.

I walk into the woods, a path which leads to a funeral. And there lay my best friend, taking his own life, forgetting that I was always there to lend a hand,

I tried to stop him, but yet he went away, evanescing into thin air that just blew to right into my head as I stood there hapless in an unknown land.

She was standing there, below the waterfall like a queen vanquished from her kingdom, gracefully letting the force of the stream uplift her to spirituality,

I was left staring speechless at her pure beauty, gasping for her breath as she came close and whispered that we would be together till eternity.

But there came her letter of recall, as she boarded the carriage back to her home, she never looked back not even once, neither do the tears come out not even once,

Now the burning rage engulfs my system as I run, after slaying her with my axe leaving behind a trail of blood, guilt shouting out to the conscience.

I feel better now, the open lands embracing me into their laps, as I collapse on the ground, demanding more, I want to go higher,

The hazy, misty maze is my reality and I have accepted to live in this mysterious world, concealed from mankind.

It’s a dungeon and I am imprisoned in it for my sins, wanting to get out but I’m on the threshold of giving in and surrendering,

A light guides me out my misery and onto a amphitheatre without any audience, the subtle strings of the violin drenched in sadness,

The music so enchanting I am bestowed in a sea of tranquility, with each moment feeling like it’s the point of eternity, Gods come down to mortality and bless.

I open my eyes, and I see war, killings and unrest. This music can bridge borders, and create peace I yell at the top of my voice,

I drift into another world, children in luxury sit oblivious in glee while a mother tries to pacify her new born on the street, laced in poverty built on a world of lies.

Pondering on ideologies and perplexities, I dawn back slowly; I feel like the control is slowly being lost, I need more to go back; the closure is too abrupt,

I am losing those images, those moments, the vision; someone’s snatched me from the sky, just as I was flying high, I fall with a thud a wake up.

The images and visions were not for the faint hearted, as I tried to recollect, but alas in vain, it was like a painting that lacked finesse,

I tried to perceive, tried to argue and analyse but the only word, the only definition which flashed across was MY RANDOMNESS…..

Bollywood Snippets feat Dabanggg!!! \m/

Yello everybody. I re-return to blogging by writing satire about one of my favourite aspects of being a Mumbaikar and a proud Indian. BOLLYWOOD.

I have lived,breathed, eaten Bollywood since my naam-karan took place. So here's my tribute cutting long story short,hope you bollywood fanatics like it.

Lets start with the lastest smash hit that is currently sweeping everyone of their feet. DABANGGG Ladies and Gents 'the DABANGG'

• Firstly, Salman Khan sucks as a cop trying to figure out the heinous crime by Sonu Sood and co. I mean it took him 2.30 hrs to complete his job. If it were the brave and very successful team of CID they would have wrapped it up in 45 mins excluding ads and commercials.
• India is getting its first and only Formula 1 track in the next calender year. But the organisers are miffed as in where the location of the track would be. But after watching Dabang, they have decided to use the length and breadth of Sonakshi Sinha's forehead to create a 5.6 km race track.
• Salman Khan is detected with an acute illness. He is suffering from boils, two mammoth ones located on his left and right armpit respectively. Which is why he keeps his hands at 2.5 kms equidistant from his body while doing the walk and talking the talk. Luckily, doctors have found the cure too. The regular use of Zandu Balm!!
• Sonu Sood is much appreciated for his muscles and other muscles protruding out from those muscles and a crown of muscles that crowns the layer. Anyways when asked what was his secret He replied, that it was due to all the hard work he had to do with a certain Ms.Neha Dhupia in Sheesha. Apparently they have filmed 6 sequels of Sheesha which will be out on DVD soon due to his sudden stardom. Mothers having teenagers beware!
• Arbaaz Khan did his role of his lifetime. All he had to do, was play himself in real life ie a younger brother sucking it up to his elder bro. Apparently, Dabang 2 could feature Sohail Khan so that the series maintains continuity.
• Munni Badnam Hui to be inculcated in fourth standard hindi text books and the dance sequence is added as a new genre of classical Indian dances. Classes shall be conducted by the Arora sisters.
• Coming to the end of this saga, Rajnikanth superstar Rajni down south, hero of Tamil Nad is planning to file a lawsuit against the makers of Dabang. It violated his original patented act, which cannot be copied for any amount of sum of cash. The act went like ' Mindless movie without script,screenplay,direction only focussing on the hero of the movie me Rajni. There will be songs, lots of them, romance with any girl who wants to climb the ladder, supernatural sfx action where the bad guys confuse the mighty Rajni but are shred to pieces in the climax. The styles and impersonations can only be done by me and only me Rajni the great.'
• KJO plans to re-make We are Family using this Khan khaandaan's story as the main backdrop, Aamir Khan plans to reclaim top spot by making a prequel to Ghajini and SRK well errr I dont know still believes that he is the no.1 Khan at the moment.

In other news, we rumble across other Bollywood bites that have managed to find their way into the limylight....


The next three months sees an approx of 15 films due for release. Pakistani singer Rahat Fateh Ali Khan is singing in every movie totaling to 16 and a half songs.

Rakesh Roshan regrets making Kites with Hrithik Roshan. In hindsight he says he would have made the movie with Emraan Hashmi would have bought him success and acclaim.

Mallika Sherawat stars in the new movie called Hisssss! The story line is leaked. Well generally naagins are supposed to be hot voluptuous babes. She wasnt and hence thrown out from the cult by Sridevi and Aruna Irani. The movie is based on her revenge and how she does plastic surgery to enhance her looks and get back at them. A bit like Sex in the City. Snake ishtyle.

Mrs. Rahul Mahajan has fallen down to no.2 in the most unfortunate women in the world to get married to a wanker. The no.1 spot is already claimed by the future Mrs. Vivek Oberoi.

Abhishek Bachchan played a mute aka dumb guy in an ad. This is the Tusshar Kapoor matra of gaining instant success and being recognised as a talented actor.


Priyanka Chopra to rename Khatron Ke Khiladi as the biggest losers. Since it got a big bunch of em, the show will be re-packaged and Koena Mitra shall be the new face.


This brings us to the end of this edition. For all those who want to bang their heads somewhere or shoot themselves please free to do so. And all those who have pretended to read this and praise me afterwards, dont worry I have no way to find out. Yes Bollywood is made lousy on this particular blog. Everytime!!!


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THOU (YOU)

 I was thinking of a concept yet none come to my mind. Then I thought why not one of the most endearing facets of my life layered with loads of sarcasm and no resemblance of real life events and people participating on those events whatsoever. The result was quite simply delicious :P

Please leave behind your valuable comments
(PS - No questions)


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I leave thou behind in tears, as you tremble spirally downwards and wallow in the darkness that I set you upon,
The fading sound of your voice brings me happiness, a sudden rush of joy and sadness at the loss of my dearest pawn.
Our paths would never cross again, and I would turn the world around to prevent it, I am exhausted at your mere name running in my head,
With your persistent rumblings about true love and eternity, you would think it to be true but believe me never a single tear I have shed.
See the big picture, you were never worth it, the show you put on was never you, the real you is a scared soul desperate to seek salvation,
And even if you thought, I shunned you every time, expecting me to stoop so low I could see hell as the next station.
I know I am selfish, so be it. Ive been through enough to convince me of my ways and rigid as a stone I stand ready to battle away,
Your promises are false as the love I show towards my loved ones, you cannot better the rhythm that I already makes me sway.
I dont have an ego, nor arrogance.those are your babies, you have both thrusting from your persona,
Why do you hold them is baffling as clearly you are a loser,a non achiever, dreaming that you've attained nirvana.

I think you need to look at yourself  hard and analyse your problem, probably not use a mirror, the ugliness will even shatter the glass to a million pieces,
I am sure you will find yourself someone deplorable, who matches you but I hope you dont in this life, as you deserve to die alone and lonesome till your punishment ceases.
I have found love and I swear by it, your ways and methods are an illusion, please take your circus to the next town as you are only fooling no one,
Yes he is the one, a real soul who believes in everything I believe in. It took some time but once he realised, we are uniting, please take this as an intentional pun
What? The promises, yeah I am kinda a good liar. You were just a filler honey. Sorry gotta go, The wings of freedom once again are awaiting me,
Memories? I was bored, heartbroken. You just come along, you know like a stray animal you play with, I dont know.! They were all fake, keep them in your safe and throw away the key.

The doors of the promised land has reopened as I am erasing you off my memories, please try to forget me too, I know people as fascinating as me are very few.
AND IF YOU THOUGHT ALL THIS TIME I WAS WRITING ABOUT ME YOU WERE WRONG..I WAS WRITING ABOUT THOU.

SAKI N aka HELL

They say a picture paints a thousand words. Purists they are and hence I beg to differ. I am honestly not that bad with the canvas and a sword laid wrapped around my creative whip but I would rather write about this than paint a picture.The stage is Saki Naka located in Andheri(East), a suburb in Mumbai,India. The place that I frequently visited in the distant era of the past, never thought I would strive here for my bread and butter(and other luxuries). The ironical part here is the commute. Now my painting begins.

Laden with dust, small granules and micro macro stones that take flight and try to penetrate into your lungs, the journey is painful on foot or even worse if enclosed in an autoclave like clay oven - a car without an a/c, a rickshaw or a bike. Mine was well in the second one, the humble auto. The sun was blazing down the hot earth, as you can see the earth throwing up fumes, temperatures around 45 degree c. Sweating profusely,worse if you are dressed like me nowadays(formal clothing and a tie). The dusty tornado blows across, the traffic aligned like stars in a constellation stationary. The 10 min distance takes you about 30 min. There is no respite at this stage. The roads are the worst,considering the pressure it is put on due to the heavy traffic. And yeah, the wonderful brainchild of the road development authorities, the inter locking bricks which become disjoint when a single BEST bus passes on it. Just when it seems that the painting is about a standard stock Mumbai roadway, it takes a twist. See all roads in Mumbai are built subject to potholes,open man holes and extensive greying despite being only 2 days old. This road ie the Andheri Kurla road, has the metro yes the elevated rail! cradled right in the centre. The traffic multiplies million fold, the people are walking on the roads,right next to the traffic and the road takes the brunt of heavy drilling by advanced machinery. Damn it I wish I could draw. The people oh sorry! The amount of commercial offices are maximum on this stretch. The buses plying are immense, and since the airport is a stones throw away there are trucks and yes more cars,cops, people, animals and more people. The fateful day, when I decided to blog about this subject a pipeline burst and a sewage system malfunctioned leaving behind a pool for dangerous microbes lying on the road. The filthy water being splashed around, while the cops masked like astronauts try to police the traffic.
The culmination of the Andheri Kurla road is the Saki Naka junction a major link to the suburb,central zone and the city.

Thats where I and a million people travel to every day and curse about the same every second of every day.

SUMMARY IN BRIEF -

Just imagine with all the flames, and the above mentioned landscape, satan's residence. The corporate offices housed here is no symbol for humanity or grace. People are slaves to their masters at their respective work abodes. Only a select are destined to come to Saki Naka every week, the chosen ones are welcomed by the mass array of similarities which are observed in the mythical land known as 'HELL' .

SAKI N AKA HELL

You and I

I honestly cannot fathom why I wrote this or in what context. Just felt like talking about balance.Like my star sign the scales,there's always the good and evil ie the two sides. And yet they some how manage to co exist. With either one of them being in excess causing disharmony. Strange is the middle name of life.(First name:My) ;)
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As you emerge  from your den, head high,locks dancing to the tune of the jungle breeze,

I bury myself in my burrow, overwhelmed with sorrow, seeking solace from this mundane tease.

You smell blood, and smirk. Awaiting to prowl out and prey, bringing home glory at the end of the day,

I bask in shame, buoyant to be still breathing. Contemplating on my failures, inabilities to conquer the fray.

You are now flying above the mere mortals, thrown into the flight so naïve, but to learn autonomy,

I waited along with ravens of my kind, hoping to crow at the sight of death, with courage so phony.

You knelt down, and  rode the storm to aid the wounded hearts, to erase their amassed aches,

I shied away, bloated with ego; riddled with fear to help, changing my color, the selfishness dwelling within awakes.

You never abandon your herd,and adopt with your golden heart that bleeds of giving love,devoid of expectations,
I close all the doors, with my heart bleeding black,hunting the gullible;attach as a parasite and after that I break all liaisons.

You are all the beautiful creations in this dogmatic world, the sound of music inspiring justice,
I am the hiss of envy, shrouded in a hint of hope, yet nothing to offer,trying to buy bliss.

You are the pariah, self ostracized from the worldly ways, carving a niche of your own persona, trying to live and not just exist,
I run circles, unsuccessfully.Striving for extravaganza in mediocrity;satisfying myself with humane needs,feeding the soul enough to persist

You are an angel without the wings; oblivious to the naked eye that perceives by itself prejudiced.
I am the decoy,manifesting, pleasing the seldom tinted eyes, the darkness in me goes unnoticed.

You are everything I want to be,

You are everything I cannot be.

You are everything somehow I shouldn't be.

Why?

Looking around I see sacrifices made by men with valor as they lie down dead
A father, a son, a brother, a friend, sole winner of the entire family’s bread
The smell still fresh in the air like in a human grocery store selling flesh and blood
Countless dying for a cause so reckless that even the gods ashamed bury their faces in mud
I see a widow, an orphan with no tears in their eyes as they have done in to the grief
Their future bleak they ask Allah why they have to suffer why we get swept away by the breeze
They just keep on asking him why, where the lords shine and dine in their triumph and success
For their own political might and avarice their skeletons anonymous and secure in the boxes
The ones caught in the nexus are us, we the people who meaninglessly put our lives online
Some brainwashed, some for pride give away their souls as a dakshina in the name of the sacred shrine
I look further, dust and rubble around me, the sun glaring down where houses stood before
They weren’t villas but they were homes for families filled with love which you can’t find in this world anymore
Playgrounds made in to graveyards, roads into battlefields the only sound I can hear of the paramedical teams
Im not scared anymore of the sounds of explosions or of helpless people’s screams
Im used to blood shed it happens everyday but I ask why or whom is this giving satanic pleasure
Is it the devil who plays or are we getting the fruits we deserve, why take away our happiness that we treasure
I have never ridden a bike; played on lawns, I was born in the world of hatred fear
Running away from death finding solace as soon as possible gives out the victory cheer
I am not oblivious anymore I demand answers for all this mayhem, why god why
But all I get is a cold shoulder and orders to sit in that dark corner and cry
We are not refugees this is our home land our place of birth, this is my country
I can’t bear to see houses burnt to dust stop this war this is pure infiltry
The lessons we learn from school is not education but fear of arms and ammunition
Yet no one comes forward in a force so strong to stop this human death fair of attrition
We have no proper food forget about the clothes and place to save our heads
Ive been living alone since the day I saw them blown up into shreds
I cried and cried all night and went hungry for days together
But I pray that that all this ends a hope which will dampen never
The hoot of the aero plane sends a rush as they send out packets of food
I walk with a single leg, crippled but I will fight for me and my country as a true hero should

So long(Goodbye my lover)

As I lay down the rose , why did this happen to me no one knows,
I'm helpless , this is the path that He has chosen.I've accepted it , feet trembling , heart frozen.A stream of sweat flows ,
I just ca'nt bear the agony.Nothing lasts forever not even the immortal Mozart's symphony.
I spoke to her eyes , she made my world & before I knew it I was into her,
Months & years passed , she made my day everyday,Like a king she would nurture,
Ca'nt believe she lay down me , now the love we shared slowly started the process of necrosis,& again before I knew it she was going to another world , leaving me all alone,
And now I'm engraving my heart out on her stone.
The last time I looked into her eyes, I did not cry,not a single tear,
Thats what she said , that was good enough for the rest of my life here
Our love is immortal , where ever we might be nothing can come in our way,
Those long walks in the dusk , those beautiful words,Nothing was like her warmth at the end of the day,
I will miss her , but I'll live as if it were yesterday,
Her spirit free in space , another minor change in our relationship carefuly moulded with clay,
There wo'nt be a single second I wo'nt think of her as I walk back,
The sun down , night beckons , as she lay down in her bed forever,the demons in my head attack
I will fight them for her , so long my soulmate, my lover,I will love you always , be it in this world or another

Forgiveness:Avenging the injustice

I forgive you for letting go and losing contact gradually as we grew older,
My first friend, my younger brother, the first one to pat on my shoulder.
I forgive you for leaving me alone amidst the sea of souls,
And keep me waiting, not a single tear did I weep, heroes are made in these moulds.
I forgive you for playing those games and forgetting about it the next day,
I forgive you'll for the change I didnt understand and when we moved away.
I forgive you'll who tried to teach me that academics is what maketh a living; live by the books,
 And money is top priority, you'll were just myopic and following the rules, fearing you'll were crooks.
I forgive you for breaking my hand, as it made made me stronger than before,
I could convert my passion into an obsession and still enjoy it with the same furore.
I forgive you for taking away my childhood sweetheart, I couldnt be compatible ever,
I forgive you for taking my childhood hero, I dont think so He could see me today,never.
I forgive you'll for making me gullible and taking advantage I didnt know you'll were born miserable,
I forgive you for doing what you did,we were young and I too was at fault,
I forgive you'll who didnt know me, then for me it was a sudden jolt.
I forgive you'll for breaking my heart a thousand times and shattering it everytime it heals,
You'll were just ordinary,my lack of vision, live happily, I will find out soon how love feels.
I forgive you'll for bringing me into this world, you'll were just mere mortals who shall never see this side,
I forgive you all, as I enter this new vengeance, a feeling more powerful than quake or a humongous tide.
The power, I feel like GOD.

It is coming in less than 2 months.

Romeo and Juliet: Adulterated and Butchered

NOTE: THE BELOW CONTENT IS STRICTLY FOR ADULTS AND READERS MUST BE ABOVE 18.EVEN IF THE YOUNGSTERS UNDERSTAND THE STUFF PLEASE DONT TELL ANYONE..


All the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players:
they have their exits and their entrances;
and one man in his time plays many parts..."


 The great Shakespeare in "As you like it'.

Well I'm no playwright nor no dramatist and heck my knowledge in literature is as small as Prathibha Patil's brain.But in a matter of 30 minutes I am writing another piece,another work of disgusting art and it has to be unfortunately a musical, a romantic journey.

This is my version of Romeo and Juliet, for never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and Romeo.

The characters in my play are:

Himesh Reshammiya as Romeo
Rakhi Sawant as Rosaline, the girl who Romeo loves before he meets Juliet(He shall be seen in the play)
Anu Malik is Count Paris,the guy who wants to marry a woman desperately.
 Justin Timberlake is Tybalt and Nick Carter is Mercutio
Mallika Sherawat stars as Juliet herself while Friar Lawrence is played by Michael Jackson.
The messenger is a fat guy from any african american hip hop group.


Scene 1( This was taken in one take,underlining the strength of the star cast)
Oh but its not a play. Its a script. But still read on.

The script is set in Dharavi,Mumbai.

There is a huge fight, a war even between the two royal families ie the Reshammiyas and the Sherawats. Anu Malik who is the Count err ruler whatever comes and starts singing 'Talli tu Talli'. Everyone is baffled due to the high decibels and they freeze. Anu delighted by his quick thinking brings an end to the war by giving away free CD's to the Reshammiyas and Sherawats of the album: 'The Best Original Compositions of Maestro Anu Malik.' In exchange He asks Daddy Sherawat for his daughter Mallika's hand(and er the rest of her body too). Daddy Sherawat agress tentatively thinking whether two different species are sexually compatible biotechnology and the advances in science. Sigh.!!!

Meanwhile, at the house of Tera Surrooooor, Himesh is drinking gutter water mixed with desi daru to combat his depression. He has just lost the love of his life Rakhi Sawant. Rakhi has become a woman and marrying Bobby Darling leaving Himesh heart broken. He is singing uncontrollably as his cousin Nick Carter finds a solution.
He advises Himesh to go to this Sex Exhibition happening in Dharavi so that he becomes less desperate.

Himesh goes to the Sex Expo. What does he see? A huge party,the cast of Slum Dog are dancing  away to glory. Pamela Anderson is being worshipped, Moon Moon Sen walks in with daughter Riya. Asmit Patel maintains his distance. Everyone from the porn industry are there.From Jenna Jameson to Shakeela.

Rakhi Sawant is also there but Himesh fails to recognise her in the new avatar. Mallika also present is handling the smooch booth. Himesh sees the smooch booth and goes towards it. They meet!!!!!!
Himesh's eyes and Mallika's boobs meet and there is love!!!!! Dream sequence.

Bollywood Cliche Running around the trees song.

The dream finishes on a parapet of a building leading to the most famous parapet scene in this play. Himesh and Mallika on the parapet,covered in a black satin sheet, with the whole of Dharavi below them.Aaah!
Next day they head to a religious place to erase the sin that happened last night and Micheal Jackson who is the priest and who wants the warring Reshammiyas and Sherawats to bring cease fire believes that only if they make a sex tape will the families unite,as the families to save thier embarrassment from the Dharavi peers will  have to get the two married. And then they get married. And get taped.And its on youtube.


Anyways there is a war of the boy bands and stuff like that Nick Carter and Justin are both killed. One of them(who cares) is killed by Himesh and blah blah yawn yawn yawn Count Anu Malik wants Himesh out of Dharavi and never to return as he has watched the sex tape and wants one of his own with Mallika.

Mallika rushes to Michael Jackson and pleads for help. MJ advises her to go for cosmetic surgery which will keep in her in a coma for 24 hours. She can have every enhancement of her bodily parts.
Himesh finds out on Twitter that Mallika is dead and gets really pissed off.

He meets Count Anu on MSN(windows live messnger now) and decides to have a last man standing dance-off like competition called Sing-off. The two will sing, the last man standing wins. Simple.

Oh in the meanwhile MJ sends a big fat rapper to give Himesh the message that Mallika is not dead,but she is pretending to be and MJ wont do anything to her as along as he gets first option on their offsprings. The rapper on the way finds Eminem and 5O cent who is a white now and there is a battle in progression. Due to this there would be a delay in relaying the message and hence the rapper who is miraculously smart and tech savvy sends a voice recording to Himesh on the Blackberry Instant Messenger.

Himesh and Anu are belting their hits one by one but after Himesh's mann ke radio,bejna do zara.fultoo attitude Anu falls down to the ground and accepts defeat.

The rappers ping is received and it went something like.

"Yo Yo Yo motherfucker,cocksucker son of a byach,
I saw some white trash and got the fucking itch.
I wont be coming in there time,your plastic girl is doing just fine.
Those big boobs are going to be yours; hold on my mayne dont kill thyself,  its just a matter of time"   

Himesh fails to understand this language called American. He only knows English as a foreign language.
Did I miss the scene where Himesh buys 20 cartons of  Sambhaji Beedi special edition smokes on the way to kill himself? Mucchhadwala's Duty free shop is located in Dharavi FYI.
 Himesh smokes only 3 ciggies and dies. Mallika sees Himesh dead and sobs uncontrollably. She just wasted so much money on those enhancements. She has sex with Himesh one last time before she kills herself by smoking the remaining beedis in the pack.( The 19 cartons were donated to charity).
The Reshammiyas and Sherawats unite after this family tragedy and begin shooting for Slum Dog Millionaire:2
Count Anu replaces AR Rahman as the music director for the sequel.


THE END.

^{I apologise for the lack of songs in this musical despite the presence of so many distinguished music artists.
This shall be uploaded on facebook very soon.
Cheers from all of us here at my studios.}