Romeo and Juliet: Adulterated and Butchered

NOTE: THE BELOW CONTENT IS STRICTLY FOR ADULTS AND READERS MUST BE ABOVE 18.EVEN IF THE YOUNGSTERS UNDERSTAND THE STUFF PLEASE DONT TELL ANYONE..


All the world's a stage,
and all the men and women merely players:
they have their exits and their entrances;
and one man in his time plays many parts..."


 The great Shakespeare in "As you like it'.

Well I'm no playwright nor no dramatist and heck my knowledge in literature is as small as Prathibha Patil's brain.But in a matter of 30 minutes I am writing another piece,another work of disgusting art and it has to be unfortunately a musical, a romantic journey.

This is my version of Romeo and Juliet, for never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and Romeo.

The characters in my play are:

Himesh Reshammiya as Romeo
Rakhi Sawant as Rosaline, the girl who Romeo loves before he meets Juliet(He shall be seen in the play)
Anu Malik is Count Paris,the guy who wants to marry a woman desperately.
 Justin Timberlake is Tybalt and Nick Carter is Mercutio
Mallika Sherawat stars as Juliet herself while Friar Lawrence is played by Michael Jackson.
The messenger is a fat guy from any african american hip hop group.


Scene 1( This was taken in one take,underlining the strength of the star cast)
Oh but its not a play. Its a script. But still read on.

The script is set in Dharavi,Mumbai.

There is a huge fight, a war even between the two royal families ie the Reshammiyas and the Sherawats. Anu Malik who is the Count err ruler whatever comes and starts singing 'Talli tu Talli'. Everyone is baffled due to the high decibels and they freeze. Anu delighted by his quick thinking brings an end to the war by giving away free CD's to the Reshammiyas and Sherawats of the album: 'The Best Original Compositions of Maestro Anu Malik.' In exchange He asks Daddy Sherawat for his daughter Mallika's hand(and er the rest of her body too). Daddy Sherawat agress tentatively thinking whether two different species are sexually compatible biotechnology and the advances in science. Sigh.!!!

Meanwhile, at the house of Tera Surrooooor, Himesh is drinking gutter water mixed with desi daru to combat his depression. He has just lost the love of his life Rakhi Sawant. Rakhi has become a woman and marrying Bobby Darling leaving Himesh heart broken. He is singing uncontrollably as his cousin Nick Carter finds a solution.
He advises Himesh to go to this Sex Exhibition happening in Dharavi so that he becomes less desperate.

Himesh goes to the Sex Expo. What does he see? A huge party,the cast of Slum Dog are dancing  away to glory. Pamela Anderson is being worshipped, Moon Moon Sen walks in with daughter Riya. Asmit Patel maintains his distance. Everyone from the porn industry are there.From Jenna Jameson to Shakeela.

Rakhi Sawant is also there but Himesh fails to recognise her in the new avatar. Mallika also present is handling the smooch booth. Himesh sees the smooch booth and goes towards it. They meet!!!!!!
Himesh's eyes and Mallika's boobs meet and there is love!!!!! Dream sequence.

Bollywood Cliche Running around the trees song.

The dream finishes on a parapet of a building leading to the most famous parapet scene in this play. Himesh and Mallika on the parapet,covered in a black satin sheet, with the whole of Dharavi below them.Aaah!
Next day they head to a religious place to erase the sin that happened last night and Micheal Jackson who is the priest and who wants the warring Reshammiyas and Sherawats to bring cease fire believes that only if they make a sex tape will the families unite,as the families to save thier embarrassment from the Dharavi peers will  have to get the two married. And then they get married. And get taped.And its on youtube.


Anyways there is a war of the boy bands and stuff like that Nick Carter and Justin are both killed. One of them(who cares) is killed by Himesh and blah blah yawn yawn yawn Count Anu Malik wants Himesh out of Dharavi and never to return as he has watched the sex tape and wants one of his own with Mallika.

Mallika rushes to Michael Jackson and pleads for help. MJ advises her to go for cosmetic surgery which will keep in her in a coma for 24 hours. She can have every enhancement of her bodily parts.
Himesh finds out on Twitter that Mallika is dead and gets really pissed off.

He meets Count Anu on MSN(windows live messnger now) and decides to have a last man standing dance-off like competition called Sing-off. The two will sing, the last man standing wins. Simple.

Oh in the meanwhile MJ sends a big fat rapper to give Himesh the message that Mallika is not dead,but she is pretending to be and MJ wont do anything to her as along as he gets first option on their offsprings. The rapper on the way finds Eminem and 5O cent who is a white now and there is a battle in progression. Due to this there would be a delay in relaying the message and hence the rapper who is miraculously smart and tech savvy sends a voice recording to Himesh on the Blackberry Instant Messenger.

Himesh and Anu are belting their hits one by one but after Himesh's mann ke radio,bejna do zara.fultoo attitude Anu falls down to the ground and accepts defeat.

The rappers ping is received and it went something like.

"Yo Yo Yo motherfucker,cocksucker son of a byach,
I saw some white trash and got the fucking itch.
I wont be coming in there time,your plastic girl is doing just fine.
Those big boobs are going to be yours; hold on my mayne dont kill thyself,  its just a matter of time"   

Himesh fails to understand this language called American. He only knows English as a foreign language.
Did I miss the scene where Himesh buys 20 cartons of  Sambhaji Beedi special edition smokes on the way to kill himself? Mucchhadwala's Duty free shop is located in Dharavi FYI.
 Himesh smokes only 3 ciggies and dies. Mallika sees Himesh dead and sobs uncontrollably. She just wasted so much money on those enhancements. She has sex with Himesh one last time before she kills herself by smoking the remaining beedis in the pack.( The 19 cartons were donated to charity).
The Reshammiyas and Sherawats unite after this family tragedy and begin shooting for Slum Dog Millionaire:2
Count Anu replaces AR Rahman as the music director for the sequel.


THE END.

^{I apologise for the lack of songs in this musical despite the presence of so many distinguished music artists.
This shall be uploaded on facebook very soon.
Cheers from all of us here at my studios.}